She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Funny we brought up mil yesterday. My mil caled my mom yesterday. Of course, my mom called me. Apparently my mil thinks that I should stop talking to my best friend (who has been the most protective of me, and who has warned me not to let W move back in, etc) and that I read too many relationship books and go to too much C. And, this is all my fault because I let my W take too much responsibility. Of course, mil has had multiple affairs in her life, 2 divorces, 3 kids by different fathers, drug addiction, and basically messed up my W. Now, my mom is almost as crazy as my mil, so I don't know what exactly mil really said. My mil makes things up and believes them. So I don't know if she is repeating stuff she heard from my W or not. I don't know my W. She could rationalize anything these days.

Kind of a funny coincedence that we talked about mil's yesterday, and then mine chimes in. I'm not going to take her or what she said too seriously.

I'm still struggling with jealousy. Maybe it's a reaction to some positive signs. I'm afraid to think things might already be starting to improve. I don't believe that. I think it's much more likely that the OM is back in the picture and that things will continue to get worse before they get better.

I feel, but am fighting it, that if I just look at her phone, or just ask her outright if the OM is back, and she'll say no, and say she's sorry, and then I'll be happy, and life will be good, and the sun will shine, etc. But she'll resent me for asking, she'll tell me the truth, and it could be "yes, the OM is back". Either way, I need to continue acting like I am.

I know some of the people here have been through this, and worse. It helps knowing this is survivable.

I shoveled snow already this morning, and lifted some weights last night. Physical exertion does help calm those crazy feelings and thoughts. I was walking, but 3+ feet of snow is keeping me in. I guess I'm also feeling some cabin fever. I'm not looking forward to being trapped for the next 3 days.

Thanks for listening.