She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Hello all,
I’ve missed everyone, and the support you all give. I hope everyone had a good Christmas, or holiday, and that there was something positive in everyone’s life.

My family and I had a good holiday, really. Not as good as if my wife were in love with me again, but given the circumstances, pretty darn good.

We spent the holiday with her parents. I get along with them and they have a nice place. My wife is a great cook, and I chose a fantastic wine, so the meal was great. The kids had a good time. I took my daughter sledding, and we played cards. There was little interaction with W, but what there was was largely positive.

I’m proud of myself for not snooping, not talking R, not trying to pry with m-i-l, and generally being positive. It took some effort. At one point, I just knew W had gone upstairs to call OM and exchange Christmas wishes.

Since the blizzard out here, with me working from home, I’ve really been battling the jealousy monster. There are 2 things that are fueling my feelings (if you don’t count paranoia or other personal issue). One is that she has a key to a P.O. Box, and the other is that she has been taking her phone with her everywhere, even when she showers. Of course, in my mind, the only good reason for her having the P.O. box and keeping the phone so secret is because she is in contact with the OM. I’ve thought of other reasons. I know I don’t KNOW her reasons. But it has been a struggle to push those thoughts out of my head. I know many of you have had worse or are experiencing worse right now.

I keep asking myself what difference it would make if she were in contact with the OM. Would I change my actions? I don’t think so. I think I’d have to pursue the same course, regardless, so not knowing that she has or is, might make it easier on me to keep going.

Which leads me to the trust issue. I don’t trust her. Does it matter if I do or not? It seems that right now, it doesn’t matter. I can’t control her. I don’t know what she is or isn’t thinking or doing. I can only control myself and my reactions to her actions. I think, if all goes well and we both start working and committing to our M, trust will be an issue. But for now, I guess it doesn’t matter so much.

Another issue is resentment, mine. I have little twinges of resentment. I push those feelings away, and I focus on doing what I’m doing for the right reasons: because it’s best for my kids, because it can be best for me in the long run, because I am learning to love unconditionally, because it’s my choice (she’s not forcing me to do this. I could quit. How can I blame her when she might be happier if I did quit?). Also, I’m learning about myself. There are positive aspects of this whole painful mess. I’m learning what my faults are (yes, I do have them!) and I’m learning how to overcome them.

I got DR and the 5 Love Languages. I’ve been reading both. I like DR, a little better then DB. I’m glad I got it. I’ve read the first 3 chapters, and then skipped to chapter 10 about infidelity. Now I’m reading the MLC chapter. I like the stress on small steps, since I’ve been having a hard time accepting that they are worthwhile.

One question (OK, I’ve probably asked more than one already, and I’ll probably ask more, but humor me a little): Should you look at small positive signs from your spouse as meaningful? Doesn’t that mean you are not really detaching and that you are basing your happiness on your S? I’ve seen many small positive signs from my W. I’ve seen some negative too. I fear that the positive ones are faked or insincere. I fear that if I take hope from the positive steps, I’ll start expecting too much or become too hopeful. I fear that if I read too much in to the negative signs, I’ll give up and lose hope. So, isn’t the correct response to accept the positive with grace and let the negative roll off? It’s not about her at this point anyway; it’s about me, right?

Next question: what stage am I in? Are my W and I ‘piecing’ or are we still in the affair stage or is it MLC, and does it matter? Reading DR, it seems that much of the book concerns the couple working together on the M. My W is working on it, but she isn’t committed yet, and may never be. I’m operating under the assumption that, since she is not committed to the M, I will continue to give her lots of space, not bring up the R, work on myself, and hope we’ll have a chance to work together on the M/R in the future.

This is too long already. I hope to get some comments on it though. I’d love to get some feedback. Thanks, and have a happy new year.