She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[grasshopper]

Kirby,

As an aside, I bought your new video game today for my son. I hope it's good. I hear you eat all kinds of bad guys and then absorb their powers. I also read you now have a "Squeek Squad". Would that be us?

GH

P.S. If you can't figure out WTH I am going on about, google is a wonderful thing.

[kirby]

GH,
I hope your son enjoys the game. I've heard of Kirby. Having the name Kirby has been hard. Remeber the rental car ads, where Kirby always messes up? And then all the jokes about vacuum cleaners. At least the game Kirby is cute, and powerful. glad to hear Kirby has some friends. I'll have to look up who's all in the Squeek Squad.

[kirby]

Hello all,
I’ve missed everyone, and the support you all give. I hope everyone had a good Christmas, or holiday, and that there was something positive in everyone’s life.

My family and I had a good holiday, really. Not as good as if my wife were in love with me again, but given the circumstances, pretty darn good.

We spent the holiday with her parents. I get along with them and they have a nice place. My wife is a great cook, and I chose a fantastic wine, so the meal was great. The kids had a good time. I took my daughter sledding, and we played cards. There was little interaction with W, but what there was was largely positive.

I’m proud of myself for not snooping, not talking R, not trying to pry with m-i-l, and generally being positive. It took some effort. At one point, I just knew W had gone upstairs to call OM and exchange Christmas wishes.

Since the blizzard out here, with me working from home, I’ve really been battling the jealousy monster. There are 2 things that are fueling my feelings (if you don’t count paranoia or other personal issue). One is that she has a key to a P.O. Box, and the other is that she has been taking her phone with her everywhere, even when she showers. Of course, in my mind, the only good reason for her having the P.O. box and keeping the phone so secret is because she is in contact with the OM. I’ve thought of other reasons. I know I don’t KNOW her reasons. But it has been a struggle to push those thoughts out of my head. I know many of you have had worse or are experiencing worse right now.

I keep asking myself what difference it would make if she were in contact with the OM. Would I change my actions? I don’t think so. I think I’d have to pursue the same course, regardless, so not knowing that she has or is, might make it easier on me to keep going.

Which leads me to the trust issue. I don’t trust her. Does it matter if I do or not? It seems that right now, it doesn’t matter. I can’t control her. I don’t know what she is or isn’t thinking or doing. I can only control myself and my reactions to her actions. I think, if all goes well and we both start working and committing to our M, trust will be an issue. But for now, I guess it doesn’t matter so much.

Another issue is resentment, mine. I have little twinges of resentment. I push those feelings away, and I focus on doing what I’m doing for the right reasons: because it’s best for my kids, because it can be best for me in the long run, because I am learning to love unconditionally, because it’s my choice (she’s not forcing me to do this. I could quit. How can I blame her when she might be happier if I did quit?). Also, I’m learning about myself. There are positive aspects of this whole painful mess. I’m learning what my faults are (yes, I do have them!) and I’m learning how to overcome them.

I got DR and the 5 Love Languages. I’ve been reading both. I like DR, a little better then DB. I’m glad I got it. I’ve read the first 3 chapters, and then skipped to chapter 10 about infidelity. Now I’m reading the MLC chapter. I like the stress on small steps, since I’ve been having a hard time accepting that they are worthwhile.

One question (OK, I’ve probably asked more than one already, and I’ll probably ask more, but humor me a little): Should you look at small positive signs from your spouse as meaningful? Doesn’t that mean you are not really detaching and that you are basing your happiness on your S? I’ve seen many small positive signs from my W. I’ve seen some negative too. I fear that the positive ones are faked or insincere. I fear that if I take hope from the positive steps, I’ll start expecting too much or become too hopeful. I fear that if I read too much in to the negative signs, I’ll give up and lose hope. So, isn’t the correct response to accept the positive with grace and let the negative roll off? It’s not about her at this point anyway; it’s about me, right?

Next question: what stage am I in? Are my W and I ‘piecing’ or are we still in the affair stage or is it MLC, and does it matter? Reading DR, it seems that much of the book concerns the couple working together on the M. My W is working on it, but she isn’t committed yet, and may never be. I’m operating under the assumption that, since she is not committed to the M, I will continue to give her lots of space, not bring up the R, work on myself, and hope we’ll have a chance to work together on the M/R in the future.

This is too long already. I hope to get some comments on it though. I’d love to get some feedback. Thanks, and have a happy new year.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey K,

funny, I liked DR better than DB as well. Anyhow, NO, I don't think that seeing positives in W is same as Not detaching. Detachment shouldn't mean being blind to our progress, I think it's part of taking stock.

And you are right about OM and your W. If it's not going to change your course of action, DROP IT.....at least for now, and take it a week at a time. Someday you can address the resentments, (as I expect to someday, even when I fight the "rearing up" that comes unexpectedly and can ruin "moments").

Just don't worry YET about those issues. For now, build on the good memories and feelings that are coming back. If all is going well with the kids and the inlaws, you have it so much better than most of us....(My mil and many other mil's around this bb are nightmares...but we'll talk about THAT later...).

It'll be very hard for your W to up and leave a kind loving man who is also a good father to her children....let alone leave her kids....So, bank on that and keep up the good work, as in, keep on keepin' on....you ARE doing well.

It's okay to feel good about that, I think.
j-

[kirby]

thanks for taking the time to post J, especially since you're probably pretty busy. How is it going? Hawaii? Fantastic. I wish I could swing a trip like that. I've been to Pearl Harbor when I was in the service, and have always wanted to take the familiy there, especially the kids.

Thanks for the pat on the back. I don't get compliments from W, and I think my love language is verbal affirmation, or something like that (just started the book). I've always felt I work harder and better with encouragement than with pressure. Unfortunately, most bosses only focus on problems.

Sorry to hear your MIL is a problem. My mil is crazy, and of course she'll support her daughter, but she also is supportive of me, and the kids. If I were a fruedian, she would be the prime suspect for all of my W's problems

My last time in HI, a local took me out to eat at some of the places locals eat. I like food, all kinds. I found that much Hawaiin food is too salty, fishy for me. the Mai Tais are always good.

[25yearsmlc]

Kirby,

what's your way of expressing love? What is your wife's way of receiving it? Does she want physical touch, words, TIME (that's mine), or what? Do you know? I want to note that most of us have more than one, but maybe one just rings more for us than some of the others. I am not big on gifts BUT I sort of expect one on the "special" days - anniversary, birthday and Christmas. Beyond that, nope. Just want H to plan dates or a trip that I like, as opposed to camping/hunting trips HE likes and I go along with. It'll happen, and Hawaii is likely part of that. SO, like I said, what is your Wifes' love language preference order? IF you MUST think of OM, ask yourself what she said he gave her, what type of love language did he "speak" IF any....mind you, this may not be about her getting "love" for real, it's possible it's all fantasy in her mind and all the missing parts get filled in with positive images...just asking. Don't focus on it if it makes you crazy. Just wondering if there is something you could learn from it. If not, let it go. IF so, learn it, process it, and then leave it alone and let it go. Don't obsess about om, b/c that will help no one, except maybe, om....

j-

[kirby]

Funny we brought up mil yesterday. My mil caled my mom yesterday. Of course, my mom called me. Apparently my mil thinks that I should stop talking to my best friend (who has been the most protective of me, and who has warned me not to let W move back in, etc) and that I read too many relationship books and go to too much C. And, this is all my fault because I let my W take too much responsibility. Of course, mil has had multiple affairs in her life, 2 divorces, 3 kids by different fathers, drug addiction, and basically messed up my W. Now, my mom is almost as crazy as my mil, so I don't know what exactly mil really said. My mil makes things up and believes them. So I don't know if she is repeating stuff she heard from my W or not. I don't know my W. She could rationalize anything these days.

Kind of a funny coincedence that we talked about mil's yesterday, and then mine chimes in. I'm not going to take her or what she said too seriously.

I'm still struggling with jealousy. Maybe it's a reaction to some positive signs. I'm afraid to think things might already be starting to improve. I don't believe that. I think it's much more likely that the OM is back in the picture and that things will continue to get worse before they get better.

I feel, but am fighting it, that if I just look at her phone, or just ask her outright if the OM is back, and she'll say no, and say she's sorry, and then I'll be happy, and life will be good, and the sun will shine, etc. But she'll resent me for asking, she'll tell me the truth, and it could be "yes, the OM is back". Either way, I need to continue acting like I am.

I know some of the people here have been through this, and worse. It helps knowing this is survivable.

I shoveled snow already this morning, and lifted some weights last night. Physical exertion does help calm those crazy feelings and thoughts. I was walking, but 3+ feet of snow is keeping me in. I guess I'm also feeling some cabin fever. I'm not looking forward to being trapped for the next 3 days.

Thanks for listening.

[wedge]

kirby,
I've read your sitch from the beginning because the title caught my eye. Like other sitches, ours have some similarity. One thing different though is my W never left. She did end her R with OM for a week or two, I forgot exactly how long, but in the end they started communicating again, up to now.

I still get jealous and think about what they are talking about once in a while but once you learn to let go of that you'll feel better about working on the stuff that needs attention like yourself and your kids. I am not as jealous, angry, and hateful as I was during the first few weeks/months of me finding out. The last time my W initiated a talk about her R with OM, I told her that the first time the bomb dropped, I took the full blame why this A happened, but now that she decided she wants to still communicate with OM, that's it is all about her now. I'm doing my part in this M and I'm not going to rub it in her face.

Ok, I'm deviating from my initial thoughts. Once you learn not to dwell on the OM, you'll be just fine. It (the changes) will look more genuine (not that's it's not) in your W's eyes once you get over thinking about the OM. He will still creep up in your head but it's up to you to shake OM loose.

[Phoenix_spark]

Been popping in and out on your thread. Just wanted to say wedge is on the money. I say this from experience. The sooner you get over this mountain, things will look a lot better on the other side.

[kirby]

Thanks for the comments. I'm sure you're right, I think. Is it better to put your fears here (I'm sure it's better than discussing them with the W) or is it better to push all thoughts of OM out and not discuss it at all, or at least as little as is humanly possible?

My W seems happier, but I'm afraid it's because she is in contact with OM again. That would make her happy. She could easily be kinder to me at the same time. I've read some others posts, and see how nice the S can be while continuing an A. H@ll, my W carried on the A for 3 months without me suspecting.

So, I guess the point of all that is if she is having A, or in contact with OM, there is nothing I can do about it, unless I want to pull out the nukes and force the issue. And that would destroy me as well, so I guess I won't do that.

But it's not easy dealing with the fear, jealousy, and anger.

That said, I do feel I'm doing pretty well with this. I haven't snooped. I talk myself out of trying all the time (although she's making it easier by not giving me much of a chance). I'm staying positive in general.