She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

GH,
You've hit the nail on the head. I think, for me, almost all of it comes down to your quote:

<quote> I am POSITIVE that this aspect of your personality, always deferring to her, always waiting to make SURE you do what SHE wants it a HUGE issue with her.</quote>

The MC says I am too accommodating. My wife tells me I rely on her to make me happy, that I say things like "what would you like me to do this weekend". To me, that's being considerate. What she hears is that she is responsible for telling me what to do, that I can't figure it out for myself.

I could get into my history and childhood about why I might be this way, but I don't know if it would be helpful. But I've spent so many years (my whole life?) being this way, that it's not just hard to change, it's hard to even imagine what change would be like.

I think it will take time for me to figure out what I want and what I want to do.

Here is an example of some small changes I'm trying to make. I don't like watching TV too much. My W seems to love it. In the evening, I'll get tired of just watching TV. My daughter will play games with me, and that's fun, and something I want to do. Sometimes my son will join us. When my wife was away, we started getting away from the TV and playing more.

I do need to be careful about money. I'd love to go out more, but my new job doesn't pay as much and I retired from the reserves so I lost that extra income. Of course, the separation had its own expenses. The DB phone coach wasn't cheap. The plane ticket my wife used to leave, then the one flying her back, the lawyer I consulted, all add up. I'd like to start Aikido lessons, and I will as soon as I get the finances straightened out. If my wife gets a job, that will help too. It will also, I believe, make her happier with herself.

In the meantime, I'm suffering from a lack of imagination. How does someone who is not too accommodating act, especially in relation to other people? How do you know what makes you happy? Just try stuff and see how you like it?

But dealing day to day, waiting for inspiration, dealing with the sense of loss, pain and hurt, and trying to fix things, I think the key is, whether I am detached enough or focused on myself enough (I'm not either yet) is to act as if I am.

Today I'm having a hard time not talking to my W. We are still snowed in and I'm working from home again, so I don't have the usual office distractions. I’d love to share a nice conversation with her. Also, I’m plagued with jealousy and fear today. I’m battling both feelings and keeping my mouth shut. If there is one thing I can do that will help immediately, if nothing else by stopping a negative, it’s to stop talking to her about anything. Almost everything I say, she seems to resent a little. Any time I talk to her, I’m imposing somehow. I need to keep quiet, unless she talks.

I have said before, and I see examples of it daily, that things will get worse before they get better. Maybe I need them to get worse for me to really get it through my thick head what I’ve done wrong and that I’ve got to take action. Maybe I can keep things from getting worse by taking action, really looking inside, and possibly getting my own C.