She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[grasshopper]

I hate to admit it, but I’m having a hard time thinking of what I should work on to make myself better.

It IS arrogant and self-defeating. Maybe there really aren't thing you need to necessarily FIX, but there are most certainly things you can do to make yourself better. If you are unable or unwilling to look deep, it could be a problem.

Actually, I KNOW you can do those things but you resist sometimes.

For instance, I never show anger. Is this a good time to try to show anger?

Well, this is good, but not really if what you mean is you don't GET angry at the time something bothers you yet a month from now you explode because you held it in. You don't have to get angry but learning to express your negative feelings about something in a constructive way would be good.

Remember, anger is not something anyone or anything can MAKE you feel. Anger is not about what someone does to you, it's about what YOU feel about what they do and you can control that.

So, learn to express when things bother you if you really need to, otherwise, learn to actually control your anger instead of stifling it. It's not really an issue of expression or not, it's an issue of whether it's there at all.

Other issues seem a little superficial. I’ve started exercising. That doesn’t seem like a flaw I’m trying to fix, it’s just a good idea. I’m thin and in decent shape to begin with.

Ok, so for you this usual suspect in DB (getting into shape) is not really applicable. That doesn't mean it can't be a GREAT GAL tool. Get to the gym, get some time alone to process things, maybe even meet some new friends. It can't hurt.

Doing more housework seems superficial sometimes too, or at least to little of a change.

Maybe. Is this an issue in your house? Did you used to lay back and let her do all the work? If so, then you doing more around the house is the right thing to do, period. It's not superficial, it's right.

I sense you are still judging EVERYTHING based on how SHE perceives it. You say things are superficial because you think SHE will see it that way. How about judging things based on what you feel is right and wrong. If it's right for you to help out more, then do it. NOTHING is superficial.

The Five Love Languages talks a lot about learning to communicate in our partner's language. You saying the house stuff is "not enough" or "too little" or "superficial" may indeed be true, but it could also be a PRIME indication that you don't know your W's Love Language. Maybe it's Acts of Service and to her, you doing the housework is the most effective way she sees your love. If this is the case, and that is her language, then you could buy her a dozen roses every day, compliment her till the cows come home, kiss her passionately and take her out every night but if you fail to actually DO the house work or HELP her with something she asked you to help with, she feels unloved as much as you might if she never touched you or told you she appreciated your contributions in the R.

The flaws my wife has identified for me are that I’m needy and she felt she was responsible for my happiness.

100% the same thing my W said to me...and she was 100% right, still is to a certain extent. My W said it was like a huge, terrible cross she had to bear.

SO, what do you do with this? You realize that you are still needy and still relying on her to make you happy, or not. You still have not internalized your happiness. You need to reel it in, lock it in a cage inside you and dip into it whenever you need to. Stop revolving ALL your feelings around her. It's bad for you and horrible feeling for her. She's got her own problems, she doesn't need yours too.

Again, in small ways, but I’m a pretty happy guy (was pretty happy, working on it now). As for needy, I’m listening to you and TL and learning, not as quickly as you would like, to pull back, stop expecting, detach, and focus on myself and kids. The MC has told us he didn’t think I was needy, he did say I was too accommodating. How do I change that behavior?

Are you seeing an IC or just the MC? I would suggest, if possible, you start seeing a C by yourself too. I think you might hear some different things from a C who is only interested in helping YOU through your issues and not trying to make both parties feel comfortable with the process.

Your MC may not have thought your were needy in context, but maybe he's tempering that with some other info he has about your R.

Also, have you thought about seeing a female C? I can't speak to having a male C because I have only ever had one C and she's, well, a woman. I just find that she has great insight to a woman's perspective from not only her education, but also her own experience. I guess I just feel like I am getting insight from her that a male C might not have. Maybe something to think about.

I’ve had boring, unchallenging, go nowhere jobs for a long time.

Whose fault was that? Could your acceptance of that status quo for so long have affected the way your W perceived you? I know it did mine because I was in the same sitch for a long time.

Now I have a job that may really allow me to grow and enjoy myself. I think that putting more of myself into my job and being happy from that would be a good change. That’s got to be different than most men in this situations. Maybe I was unhappy with my jobs and put too much pressure on my wife to make me happy.

Ok, so now you have the good job but the damage was already done from you not taking responsibility for making yourself happy, getting a great job, etc. You surely DID put a lot of pressure on your W because of your unhappy career choices. Mars/Venus talks about this, I think. Men derive a lot of their happiness from career related things (as do many women) and when that aspect of their life is not very good, it taints every other aspect, especially their relationships.

I would love to DO more. Honestly, I don’t know what to do.

I assure you this is a big part of the problem. I will use the analogy of deciding where to go for dinner. If, every time your W asks "Honey, where would you like to go for dinner?" you reply "I don't care, it's up to you." she will get VERY sick of that. My point is that if you can't come up with a list of things that would interest, excite and motivate you, then you are not a very self-interested person and thus, not very interesting to your W.

If you were single right now, what would you be doing? Just going to work and coming home to watch TV until bed time? I doubt that.

Maybe small changes, over a long period of time, are enough and are the right thing to do.

Enough? Right things to do? To whom? You? Your W? It still sounds like you can't separate YOUR personal desire to do something from your W's appreciation/approval of it. Who freaking cares if it's ENOUGH or RIGHT? If it's what you want to do, and it's not "wrong" in terms of your marriage vows, then do it.

The point is that you have to become a contributing part of this R again (not saying she is or is not). You have to bring something to the table other than a paycheck and an appetite.

How to love her unconditionally and support her growth? Again, all I can think of seems too little and will work over a long period of time.

It sounds like what you meant to ask was "how do I make her happy? It seems like nothing I do makes her happy and I don't have the patience to just do what I feel is right and let the chips fall..."

You are still doing the "R by numbers" routine. 1) Do something. 2) Wait 5 minutes. 3) Check for reaction from her. 4) If nothing, try something else. 5) Rinse and repeat.

NONE of that suggests you have internal motivation nor patience. Grow both.

If the 2x4 wasn't out yet...watch out!

I can be here, take care of all I can to help her, not judge, listen, not expect anything.

Good freaking lord man, what about DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU and not her? THAT would be doing as much to help your sitch as would standing around waiting for the other shoe to drop.

One thing I can think of that would make her happy is if I left her. I’m not ready to do that though. I’m trying to be ready to let her go if that’s what she wants.

Oh my God, have you listened to ANYTHING we've said? SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! I WILL SAY IT AGAIN. SHE DOESN'T FREAKING KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS AND EVEN IF SHE THINKS SHE DOES, SHE'S LIKELY TO CHANGE HER MIND THE NEXT DAY. BELIEVE ONLY 1/2 OF WHAT YOU SEE AND NOTHING OF WHAT YOU HEAR!!!!

Do you have ANY feelings, desires, initiatives, goals, plans, etc, etc, etc of your own? Why would you leave just because she wanted you to? What about what YOU want. Why doesn't SHE leave if she's the one wanting to pursue something different.

I am POSITIVE that this aspect of your personality, always deferring to her, always waiting to make SURE you do what SHE wants it a HUGE issue with her. I'm also sure that if you learned to make up your OWN mind and make your OWN decisions based on your OWN internal compass and not always sticking your toe in her "water" to see how she feels about it, it would go a LONG way in helping your sitch.

I am not saying you need to leave because you feel like you should. What I am saying is that if you want to make a go at this, then do it. If she doesn't like it, or really wants to quit, then let HER go, but you do NOT have to accommodate her in this.

Be ready to let her go because it's what YOU want, which it's not right now so put it out of your mind. Sure, it's good to accept the possible outcomes, but you don't have to embrace them nor help them along.

And yes, it is a good plan. Christmas will be good (positive self fulfilling prophesy). I will be a good friend, NO R TALK, listen, be positive, and we’ll all have a good time.

Where was that plan? Anyway, if this is indeed your plan, to be positive, listen and all that, then yes, it is a GREAT plan. Also the stuff about your kids is good too.

I know your heart is in the right place, you just need your head to catch up.

I wish you a GREAT Christmas and please, just allow yourself to enjoy the days as they come. This time of year can be magical, if only because of the kids.

GH