She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

J,
I hate to admit it, but I’m having a hard time thinking of what I should work on to make myself better. I know that sounds arrogant, but it’s true. When I do think of a fault, I’m not sure if fixing it would be good. For instance, I never show anger. Is this a good time to try to show anger? Other issues seem a little superficial. I’ve started exercising. That doesn’t seem like a flaw I’m trying to fix, it’s just a good idea. I’m thin and in decent shape to begin with. Doing more housework seems superficial sometimes too, or at least to little of a change.

The flaws my wife has identified for me are that I’m needy and she felt she was responsible for my happiness. OK, I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness. Again, in small ways, but I’m a pretty happy guy (was pretty happy, working on it now). As for needy, I’m listening to you and TL and learning, not as quickly as you would like, to pull back, stop expecting, detach, and focus on myself and kids. The MC has told us he didn’t think I was needy, he did say I was too accommodating. How do I change that behavior?

I’ve had boring, unchallenging, go nowhere jobs for a long time. I know my attitude has been affected by that. Now I have a job that may really allow me to grow and enjoy myself. I think that putting more of myself into my job and being happy from that would be a good change. That’s got to be different than most men in this situations. Maybe I was unhappy with my jobs and put too much pressure on my wife to make me happy.

I would love to DO more. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Maybe small changes, over a long period of time, are enough and are the right thing to do.

How to love her unconditionally and support her growth? Again, all I can think of seems too little and will work over a long period of time. I can be here, take care of all I can to help her, not judge, listen, not expect anything. One thing I can think of that would make her happy is if I left her. I’m not ready to do that though. I’m trying to be ready to let her go if that’s what she wants.

Thanks for the advice about the kids. I spend more time, and more quality time, with them now than I did before. Sometimes I think my W gets jealous of that and I think I should tone it down. But when I examine my motives, I’m being with he kids because I enjoy it, not to impress her or to make her feel bad, so I’ll keep doing it. Again, the change in the time I’m spending with the kids is small; I haven’t suddenly become an active father after being an absent father for years. And I invite the W to join us. Maybe she will someday. I think my kids feel pretty secure, from both me and the W. So far, so good, no acting out, not school problems. But I’d guess they will need more support and issues may come up over time.

And yes, it is a good plan. Christmas will be good (positive self fulfilling prophesy). I will be a good friend, NO R TALK, listen, be positive, and we’ll all have a good time.

fF I don’t talk to you before Christmas, I hope you have a good one too, and that things go well all the way around.