She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[25yearsmlc]

K,

That's why we call our MLC's the "awakenings" and MLCs for men, stupid, selfish cliches... a tad self serving....Okay, enough said. I am sexist when it's convenient....isn't everyone?

Here is some free legal advice, that also applies to DBing.... SHUT UP!!!

Stop the staring and analyzing and stop the TALKING!!!!!. She may be in her own version of MLC, and regardless, let's hope she sees that her issues are HERS and not yours. EXCEPT, K, you ARE responsible for some of this and the great news is that you see you have a role in all this. Own that, by DOING things differently. Please stop talking about it.

Talk is cheap and worse, it's a form of pressure. But loving her in HER language is just loving her.....Doing it, not talking or reading about loving her well. Just loving her well, better than before. I doubt that can be wrong. Does this make sense?

Not suggesting that you drop the DB at all. Just wishing you would do it for real and for more than a day or two without wanting immediate gratification back. In the "5 Love Languages" Chapman says that "

"Real love is not about getting what you want...." Give some thought to that whenever you wonder how effective your 4 hours of effort have "paid off" yet.....you ARE wanting it back, reciprocity style. Stop that please. It isn't loving, it's needy. ANd it is waaaayyyyyy tooooo soooooon AND it is hurting the chances of your M ever working.

Saying you are impatient, is an understatement, imho. You are getting lots of good advice here, which is frequently ignored. Come up with a stop sign symbol or something to think of when you get the urge to verbally spew and STOP "scheduling" R talks. What are you doing? Have ANY of the talks helped your recent marital woes? Any? How about any damage? Ummmm, I'd say so. IF your words were the solution, your sitch would be solved.

Love the kids, as in LOVE the kids. Be kind, thoughtful but not pursuing, with your W. Be her friend, and co-parent for now. Listen to her. LISTEN to her, do not defend yourself, do not challenge her feelings, do not argue. Just listen and this is IF and ONLY IF, she initiates an R talk. Frankly, I'd veer off the R talks until after you rack up some points in the "daddy" column and the "supportive friend/partner" column. Have pleasant, conflict free experiences, and build on them...... Can you do this for the holidays? It is part of the indisputably appropriate course of action for you, no matter what goal you have.. So is GAL.

Good luck, keep posting.
j-

PS I actually read Divorce Remedy before DB and found it more specific in suggestions. DB said more about why we should fight for our Ms, which I already figured out. So for me, DR was actually more helpful...fwiw.
I have read about 40 books this past 18 months, on R's. DB books changed my approach as it is solution based, not "How or why are we this way? Childhood, blah blah blah...... Even if a childhood issue causes something today, the question is What do we do about it now?

Anyhow, I read a lot of books and if an R or M book can help, I'll read it. Most are common sense. But about 1/4 of them are really useful for me where I happen to be in my life now. DB was what started me Last November on my new approach and it's why I am still M.... "The Five Love Languages" is a book I was/am really ripe for, and am getting so much out of. It'll help me in my next R, and I still hope that this M, will be my "next R". And my last. You too.
j-