She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[25yearsmlc]

Dear K,

Not every fear or emotion you feel has to be expressed, let alone right away. You do NOT have to tell your wife every time you feel anger or sadness. In fact, you should keep it to yourself for now, usually--maybe always, FOR NOW....My DB coach said every time I spoke to H, I should first LOSE THE ANGER IN MY VOICE, and not to talk with him if I was mad. fwiw, I can't think of a single time my anger helped my cause AT ALL. It always did the opposite, so it's one thing I know does NOT work, and that is showing the WAS anger....

Why am I putting up with this for 18 months? Lots of reasons, and it hasn't always gone well, or been easy or clear. I gave myself short term goals, like getting to our anniversary or Christmas, etc. More important was that I have no legal incentive to "Decide" anything right now b/c my d17 is in her senior year of high school. All I wanted to do is provide her stability for the college appls process and for her own emotional health. When the insanity started, one night I came into her room and I asked her what her biggest fears were and she had said, "losing the house and having to move again to a new school". Since we moved so much in the military (H was in 17 years and I was Active duty for 5) I felt she was being fair and honest, and we had given that high school stability to our s20, so why not her also? Originally H agreed and hasn't verbalize disagreement with it. Just seems to think that once she finishes, d9 and I will join him no matter what lead up to his being there, as if he did nothing wrong. This is a stumbling block, needless to say.....

So there was no reason for me to force the issue from a legal standpoint. Plus, I wanted to spend some time away without jumping into the water of singlehood totally. And if you know the sitch, you also know H is coming around. He'll be here Friday and is "so excited to be coming home...." etc. SOME pressure on me to move but H admits, again in the last 24 hours that he "could see" moving somewhere we both like....also offered to leave AK after 2 years here IF I join him with d9 next year...IF he means it, I MIGHT consider it.....don't know yet. But I do love him. And since ALL r's eventually require real work and commitment, and those things are CHOICES, not 'feelings" that might land on our heads but might not...I would like to at least know I tried my best with my children's father. Make sense?


Did you get the 5 Love Languages" Book? It's helping me to understand our M more, and in a more hopeful way.

My H and I were very close and had bonded before we joined the Army, and I joined b/c if you can't beat 'em, join 'em... So, the military didn't hurt our M as much as his plain old hours did. I helped his career however, by aiming at health care law and ended up being his hospital's counsel, which did help H's career....But his hours were unrelenting for a good decade, and then by choice, he was in the civilian world (I agreed with his decision there and it was best for him) and raking in the bucks. Never seemed to be enough, always more cases to do. That hurt. Like Chapman says in the 5ll's,
FEELING LOVED BY ONE'S SPOUSE IS AT THE CORE AND HEART OF EVERY MARITAL DESIRE...So, did your W feel LOVED by you? Just give it thought.

BUt I agree with the poster who said you are TOO impatient.
Ask yourself what you would be doing with your time and life right NOW, if you weren't thinking/obsessing about what your W is going through? Any of it that is consistent with your M vows, is something you could be doing NOW for your GAL. Your wife is angry and depressed and I read somewhere that anger is depression turned outward...? Of course she is depressed, at what she has done....give her time. Give yourself time. And most, give your CHILDREN as much time as you can....they really need you, especially since they know at some level, they've already lost their mother. Don't make them orphans.
more later,
j-