She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

One thing that came out of it was I admitted that I was afraid that because she might leave again, i was afraid to let her take too much responsibility for the kids.

Because she DOES feel like a bad mother, which is reasonable considering what's happened.

She took it as meaning that I thought she was a bad mother. She was very upset and angry. Today she told me again how angry she was. I apologized again.

Well the point, it seems to me, is that she KNOWS she hasn't been a good mother, because a good mother doesn't do that. What's happening here, though, is you're helping her take the focus off herself, her own introspection, and allowing her to be distracted by your pettiness.

Get this, if nothing else: Every time we do that, we delay that process for her, and these situations don't get resolved until both spouses are ready. In addition to helping you get strong as an individual, another major benefit of detachment and all the DB stuff is it pretty much forces the WAS to confront their issues by removing their "support network" of excuses, rationalizations, and justification based on YOUR behavior. It's all about giving them space to sort that out...and they must sort it out.

OK, so I know I shouldn't have said it. It was honest, and a very strong emotion, but I should have kept it in. I've apologized. I will again.

Well if it's a strong emotion, as you say, you probably know you shouldn't allow your emotions to drive your communications right now. Hey, I'm with you..."good parents" don't abandon their kids for another person. But, again, deep down she knows that. I'm not so sure you should keep apologizing if you're not still doing it. If you've done it once, apologized for it, you need to let it go. If she keeps bringing it up you can just nod and say, "I understand."

What you need to do is allow things to get quiet so she starts dealing with that herself, starts hearing that from herself.

And be prepared...because when she does, she's going to need your support and your strength because she will feel very weak.

"Is this irrepairable? Did I really stick my foot in it?"

Almost nothing's irrepairable. Again, this isn't magic. One conversation, one fight, isn't going to make or break it.

But each individual conversation, each screw-up, is not an isolated incident but part of a history you are both creating right now, and it's part of the future, too.

So, no, one slip up isn't going to make or break anything. But do you want her, in February, to look back and see and endless stream of this stuff going on throughout this whole process and just feel hopeless because of it?

See, that's why time is so important. It allows you to create a new history. But if you create a new history that isn't any better than the old one, where are you?

But on the other hand, can't she see that a good mother doesn't abandon her kids? Can't she see that I have a reason to fear she might abandon us again? Can't she see that the right thing to do is to admit she made a huge mistake, at least as far as the kids are concerned, and then work to fix it?

Yeah but what do you really want? Her to be home to make her decisions, or do you really want her to fall on her face right now with tears streaming down her face and worship the ground you walk on?

Get real, bro. She came home. She's admitted it to herself. She's staying home, for now. She's not ready to admit anything to you. Maybe she still isn't sure and doesn't want to give you false hope. Maybe she doesn't trust you enough yet. She may feel like if she does that then that just means, in effect, that things are going right back to how they used to be, and that's not acceptable to her right now either.

You're too impatient. Trust me, I know, I'm impatient too. You've got to beat that, however, or it will beat you. If you still haven't made any progress by, say, April, then you have my permission to whine a little over it

Maybe I don't want a women who actually can't see that what she did was wrong as the mother of my children. Maybe it's not worth putting up with this crap. Maybe, by saying I'm sorry and playing this game, I'm being dishonest to her and myself.

So if you don't like having to apologize, QUIT DOING THINGS YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR!

Let's put the focus on you. Maybe you're just not getting what YOU want, when YOU want it. Maybe it's not worth it to her to put up with whatever crap you dish out, ever think about that?

From her perspective, she came home. That's an admission right there. For you to need all this other stuff right now, to her, just makes her feel like you not only want the admission (again, she came home) but want to rub her face in it. Back off, man, give her space. She'll PROBABLY come to all these conclusions herself if she hasn't already. She just doesn't want you lording it over her.

I know I may never get an apology from her. I can live with that, I think.

Then stop focusing on what she's NOT doing and look at what she IS doing...and make it worth her while for crying out loud. And focus on yourself so that it will be worth her while, and so she'll have some breathing room.

You didn't mess up any worse than I have. I've done even worse in the past. But at some point you have to just get over it, hard and cruel as that sounds. Life ain't fair.

Remember, each day is part of the new history you're creating. What do you want that to look like in a few months. hat do you think she'll feel like if she's dealing with you going off on her for a few months over this?

And more importantly...how do you want to feel about it?