She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Good morning, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I’m writing today to find a friendly voice, review my successes and failures, and get my needed kick in the pants or word of support. This is way too long, and probably should be split up, but here it is anyway.

This weekend went relatively well. I took my son to his Lacrosse game, which they one, then took him for a Danish and coffee and some father son time. We also were able to find and buy Christmas gifts for the W. Later that day, my D had a b-ball game. She played really well and had a good time. I’m the assistant coach, and had a good time too. W and S came and watched too. I stayed out of the house much of the afternoon, running errands and such. That evening, we all went to the Nutcracker. We had a good time. My W was still, to me, a little cold and distant, but she enjoyed it, as did we all.

Sunday, my W and I had a R talk. I know, I know, less talk, more action. I feebly tried to skip the talk, but since my wife was willing, I thought I should take advantage of the time. I decided to tell her how I felt she had been carrying the marriage, and what I felt I had done wrong. That part went well, or well enough. She did say she wondered about my motives for telling her this. I said I had doubted my motives too, but had decided to tell her anyway because I wanted to ask for her forgiveness, and to help me forgive myself.

But of course, I have to keep talking. I should have stopped there. But I brought up other topics (I don’t think she brings up topics. Another example of why I have to shut up, be patient, and see if she doesn’t initiate a conversation). I brought up that I’d like to cultivate the friends I have and be more socially active. I wanted to meet an old friend for a beer after work, but the kids schedule is full, and I didn’t see how I could fit it in. She said she could handle it. I know she can. I expressed concern because one of her complaints was that she was the uber-responsible one and I didn’t want that to happen again. Then, it hit me hard, I realized I was also afraid she might leave again and I can’t rely on her – I have to protect me and the kids. I was overcome with emotion, crying, wanting to tell her what I felt. She asked me to tell her what I was thinking, and like a moron I did. She was very hurt that I would suggest she would leave the kids. After she got angry, we talked more, I admitted that I knew in my head she wouldn’t leave, but in my guts, I was still afraid. I said I would work on overcoming that feeling. I know she needs to feel trusted again. I don’t bring this stuff up. I’m not like the people I’ve read about in the books who need constant reassurance, although I’d like it. I think she feels guilty and so assumes I still haven’t forgiven her. Forgiveness. Interesting topic. I feel I’ve forgiven her. I feel that’s done with. I want to move on with fixing our M/R. Maybe I haven’t forgiven her yet, or at least not completely.

We also had an end of season dinner for my D’s b-ball team. I put the party together, out of character for me. W and S attended too. Some of the other adults knew W had left, but they treated her well. My D had a great time. I played a couple of games of pool with my S too.

During the R talk, my wife said that part of the reason she wouldn’t leave is because she had no where to go. Also, she said she didn’t feel she belongs anywhere, that she’s not at home. This could partly be because she is sleeping the basement like a guest. But what can I do to help? Time, I think will help, especially if I keep up the good actions; being positive, friendly, helpful, taking care of business etc. But what else can I do? Can I do anything? Is there something I shouldn’t do?

Coming attractions: working on Actions, not talk. Goals.