She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[grasshopper]

The Ah Ha comes, then the day to day reality, or a love song, or something else happens, and I have a moment of despair. I still have a lot of anger, pain and sense of entitlement. I'm feeling it, and battling it, this morning. I'm glad I can go to work and not show her my feelings right now. I'm thankful I have a place, here, where I can vent and get support.

We all feel this. Don't sweat it. The whole point of all this stuff is not to become Mr. Spock and feel no emotions, the point is to learn how to, and WHEN to properly express those emotions...or not.

I haven't told my wife my insight yet. I want to make sure I tell her for the right reasons and not in an attempt to get her back. I've scheduled a talk with her for Sunday. I may bring it up then, if it feels right.

In my opinion, it might be better to let the "talk" slide for now and get some more action under your belt. Let some more living occur, living with a more positive outlook and set of actions/reactions from you.

I just think that if your W is in any way like mine, and you are anything like me, then too much talking and not enough doing is a problem. I know every time we had a R talk it would beat my W back down and set us back.

I found out after things started getting better that she was VERY aware of my changes and that I was acting differently. She too suspected it was just a ploy but after time, when the changes seemed to be real to her, she softened up and she claims that is was indeed the way I handled everything that made the difference. She said that if I continued to pressure her, be angry, always "on" her about everything, always trying to talk things to death, she would have been gone.

Giving her time, space, and a reasonable alternative to the life she was SURE she wanted without me was key.

So, have the convo if it seems "right". Learning those "right" times is very important, but try to make sure it's really right, and not just right now.

But, also, as we learned in the class, I suffer from making negative assumptions about her actions. I can't read her mind. She has agreed to continue the class, so I should take that on face value and move ahead.

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. The great thing about this is that she went, and found out that not only was she not attacked or made to feel bad, she found out that YOU had some issues that you needed to work on. It's an end-around maneuver to getting her to see what work you're doing without you telling her.

I think it's great that she said she'll keep going. One thing you CANNOT forget is that for your W, this whole process of learning more about herself started LONG before yours did. You are behind in this game. She may see this class as having value beyond your R, just like you should.

Please, for God's sake, stop telling her she can quit. It's like you're giving her permission or something. If she didn't want to be there, she's a big girl and she can tell you. Until she does, quit assuming you KNOW ANYTHING about her motivations, etc.

What if there is something I should be doing right now and if I miss this chance, it'll be gone forever?

Again, we ALL feel this MANY times in our sitches. I can only say that in my case, and in my experience, often what we FEEL like we should do would not make things better.

I know it's hard to reconcile that idea that you should FIGHT like hell for her, physically if need be, but the changes you need to make are both more subtle and powerful than that. Fighting for her, either by screaming or beating down the OM only shows that you can raise some momentary anger on her behalf but doesn't really go towards proving you're any more equipped to meet her needs as a partner.

I'm not saying there isn't EVER a place or time for that kind of thing, but much more often than not, it's not really useful, at least in the DBing grand scheme of things.

There are so many positive signs. If I can have patience, this may turn out with our R restored and better than ever. It's hard to think that it may, will, take years.

This leads to one of the most empowering thoughts you can have in all this; if you KNEW for a fact that your marriage would be BETTER than ever after going through this, would you want to do it, ALL of it? Would you want to detach, GAL, stop the R talk, give her space, etc, etc, etc?

Is it worth it?

No, sadly you CAN'T know it will all work out, but sometimes the chicken has to come before the egg.

That’s why I keep telling myself it could get much worse before it gets better. I don’t think I really understand, in my gut, just how little affection she has left for me and how much work I have to do. How to prepare for the worst but work for the best?

Detach, detach, detach. Stop letting momentary things, emotions, thoughts, actions, rule your life. Take what you have and run with it. Don't look back.

I think what you meant to say was "how do I deal with expecting the worst but just hoping for the best?"

My answer, of course, is stop expecting ANYTHING and just live for each moment, getting what you can from them and then going on towards the next one. If the worst happens, process it, deal with it and then move forward. Remember, what's already happened has been pretty bad so you've gotta be somewhat ready for more without even trying.

When I get tangled up in my thinking, I try to go back to what I know and what I can influence, instead of what I have no control over. I can work on me, on being a better person, father, and even husband. I can control my reactions, thoughts and feelings (to an extent). I can continue to work on patience, PMA, GAL. All these things help. I’m getting stronger every week. My kids continue to do well, with no outward signs of distress. I can have (most) of the things I hope for and dream of, even if she doesn’t join me. We go on living, breathing, going to work, doing the daily stuff. The mountains are still gorgeous, especially in the sunrise.

Nuff said. Perfect. If you can keep this kind of stuff at the forefront of your thoughts, you will do VERY well indeed!