She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

grasshoper,
Talk about getting expectations up (or is it 'predicting' and setting up positive self fulfilling prophesies?), but despite my Ah Ha moment, I've already been back sliding. The Ah Ha comes, then the day to day reality, or a love song, or something else happens, and I have a moment of despair. I still have a lot of anger, pain and sense of entitlement. I'm feeling it, and battling it, this morning. I'm glad I can go to work and not show her my feelings right now. I'm thankful I have a place, here, where I can vent and get support.

I haven't told my wife my insight yet. I want to make sure I tell her for the right reasons and not in an attempt to get her back. I've scheduled a talk with her for Sunday. I may bring it up then, if it feels right.

The communications class was mixed and interesting. I don't want her to resent me for making her go. I've told her too often that we can quit. (Maybe we're not ready for this class. Maybe, if she commits to the R, we can take the class). But, also, as we learned in the class, I suffer from making negative assumptions about her actions. I can't read her mind. She has agreed to continue the class, so I should take that on face value and move ahead.

Patience, waiting, the whole zen thing of non action as action. Hard. What if there is something I should be doing right now and if I miss this chance, it'll be gone forever? What if she needs me to yell and scream and fight. All my life I've tried to be reasonable and logical. Maybe this is the time for me to act purely on emotion. I know it's not. I know what I'm doing, what you guys are helping me with, is the best approach for my kids, for me, and for my W. But I often doubt it, and that doubt is driven mainly by a strong desire to make things right and have the love I used to have.

There are so many positive signs. If I can have patience, this may turn out with our R restored and better than ever. It's hard to think that it may, will, take years. I need to stop thinking the positive signs are fake. Yes, she faked her feelings when she first asked to come back and the first week of her return. Could the teeny bit of affection she shows now be fake too? Could she still be acting out of a sense of duty and because she doesn’t want to hurt me any more?

That’s why I keep telling myself it could get much worse before it gets better. I don’t think I really understand, in my gut, just how little affection she has left for me and how much work I have to do. How to prepare for the worst but work for the best?

When I get tangled up in my thinking, I try to go back to what I know and what I can influence, instead of what I have no control over. I can work on me, on being a better person, father, and even husband. I can control my reactions, thoughts and feelings (to an extent). I can continue to work on patience, PMA, GAL. All these things help. I’m getting stronger every week. My kids continue to do well, with no outward signs of distress. I can have (most) of the things I hope for and dream of, even if she doesn’t join me. We go on living, breathing, going to work, doing the daily stuff. The mountains are still gorgeous, especially in the sunrise.

I’ve been using some tricks to help me cope. I’ve a small “Office Voodoo” doll that I carry in my pocket. When I felt like holding my W, I’d touch the doll. It actually helped. It allowed me to give her more space. I’ve pretty much stopped doing that, which I think is a good sign. I’ve also stayed logged in here for hours and hours, looking for help, support, understanding. I’m starting to cut down on that too. I don’t punch the roof of my car nearly as often. I don’t cry nearly as much. I’m sleeping through the night, and I’ve stopped losing weight. And I’m feeling the need to give back some of the help I’ve received from GH, TL Rocco, Peter, 25yearsmic, and the rest. I don’t feel I know or understand enough to give advice as good as I’ve gotten, but I can give support to others.

That’s my morning rant for today. This will be a busy weekend for me and my family. I’m predicting a good weekend. I’ll keep DBing. Thanks again.