She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

I'm not going to push her to let it all out. I don't know if I really want to know how much she dislikes me. Maybe it will make things worse.

Good job! Very respectful, and good insight re: "I don't know if I want to know." Also, you have no idea what the dynamic will be if she really begins trusting you, and she just may not feel comfortable discussing it now, so you're wise to give her space on that.

Man, you're really starting to rock at this, dude!

The reason that's wise is because, well, feelings change from year to year...heck, even day to day or week to week sometimes.

What means the most is that she came back, she's there, and appears to be open, at least, to trying although she may not right now see how to get from Point A to Point B.

I look at it like this: Those feelings that attract two people, I think, are the result of timing depending on what's going on in your life and who you're spending the most time with, and who's making you feel good. I think it's all about adrenaline, biology, and endorphins, okay?

That attraction is like the booster engines on the space shuttle that are needed to get it through the earth's atmosphere and into outer space. However, once it makes it there, those engines and tanks are jettisoned because they're no longer useful (burned up all the fuel).

That initial attraction is like that. But at some point is no longer useful. So something else has to take over.

The problem is, many people attempt to build an entire relationship on those "booster feelings" that bring them together. It never, ever lasts. I think similar feelings are created over time when people meet each other's needs, and there's some evidence to back this up. But the point is, something else has to occur, and that involves the character, the goals, the ideals of the couple.

"Affair love" is usually all booster rockets and can't usually be anything more. Because once they get together...even if they get divorced and marry each other...those marriages fail more often than any other, because it's not built on trust, on real love, on character and meeting each other's needs. It's built on selfishness and destruction. Our actions feed our attitudes which influence our actions, so a dynamic is created.

I'm sure there are some people who do it and manage to stay together. In fact, I know there are. But there are consequences and a heavy price to pay and I'd wonder if most of those few who manage it, looking back, would say it was worth it. And if they could say that, what does that say about them?

I apologize for being long-winded. But one thing I realized that helped me was that while my W and I had always remained together and been married, the old relationship was dead and there wasn't much to come back to...but, we COULD build a new one.

The future, the new relationship will be mainly determined by the actions you're taking right now, the both of you. And it will take time.

But by doing the things you're starting to do, you're making it possible for new and better feelings (based on mature love, honoring, and cherishing...and character!) to be created and she WILL like you better than she ever thought was possible if you stay on that high road you're taking and if she chooses to walk with you. And so far, it looks like she's at least open to that.

So that's my long-winded way of saying that the feelings or how much she likes/dislikes you right now are not nearly as important as what you're doing right now to be likeable/loveable to her tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...to show her hope, to help lead your family out of this mess.

Just remember...do it for you but make it available to her if she wants it.

I think you're doing great today and will do even better tomorrow...