She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

All,
I did keep my mouth shut. Thanks for the support. I knew it was the right thing to do, but that it, like every time I talk to her, would be hard. She ended up thanking me more, and I treated it as not a big deal, I'd do it anytime, not her fault, it could happen to anyone.

I struggled a little with your advice to make sure her car always has gas. It seemed too much like I'm taking care of her. She hates that. She is very, wants to be very, independent. I don't want a weak partner who has to be taken care of.

But last night, and this morning, I did some more thinking about what went wrong, what I've done wrong. I think I'm starting to see it. For the past how ever many years, while I thought the marriage was OK, but lacking, she thought the marriage was bad and was working hard to keep it together. She might not have done it effectively, I might have missed the signs, but she was doing the heavy lifting, she was carrying us. She's been doing it for years, without thanks. In fact, I denigrated her efforts.

Now it's my turn to do the heavy lifting, my turn to carry the weight for a while (a long while).

And, I can do it for me, because that's who I want to be. I can do it for her, as a friend, because I honestly care about her and want her to be happy. If she decides she is just too tired of this R and moves on, I'll keep carrying as much weight as possible. She's been doing it for years, probably at least 10. I can do it now.

These realizations are hard. It's hard to admit how I've messed up. And I want to say it's not all my fault. It's not. But I can't change the past, and I can't change her. I can only take responsibility for my actions. I hope she can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself.