She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

Again, I've just got to ditto GH here...he da man!

Just do things, THIS thing because it's the right, compassionate, loving thing to do. Remember, one of the major parts of marriage is the "better or worse" part. Just because SHE forsake you in that, you don't have to return the favor. You can be the one who accepts the "worse" times and responds with the love and kindness that you committed to when you said "I do".

Those words were not conditional then...as in "I do, so long as she does first, and keeps doing it no matter what..."...is was I do, period.

Oh, man, this is so right on and is exactly the conclusion I came to right after the bomb. Living up to that commitment is good for everyone, and like GH said, it ain't conditional, and it ain't just about staying in the marriage and being a royal pain about it, either. Not that you don't have justification for hurting...but she does too.

But "love, honor, and cherish" has some really deep meaning that goes beyond coming home everynight and earning a living. I mean, if you really think on those words, and the fact that the commitment IS unconditional, then you need look no farther cause it's all about YOU and who YOU are and what YOU give. Man if people could just cut loose and really DO that, not just talk about it, they'd be AMAZED and what came back to them as just the natural flow of life.

You need to start walking the high road right now. You need to do that because you want to be a "high road" kinda guy, not because it will impress your wife.

No doubt! GH rocks.

How about trying to impress yourself.

Really digging this, too. Nothing makes a man feel better than meeting and beating challenges. Well, kirb, this is one of the biggest challenges, hopefully THE biggest, you'll ever face.

It's also amazing how focusing on little challenges will influence your response to the big ones. I started running several weeks before the bomb and just the fact that I was running farther and farther, losing some weight, and making progress on something really spilled over into my general attitude about everything. Things can change. Things can be changed. You start really making and seeing things happen like that and it can really energize and comfort you.

It's all about being positive and doing good things. And the more you do, the more you want to do, and the better you feel, and the more it all keeps the ball rolling.

What I believe you're being called on to do, as a husband and father, is to lead your family out of this mess. That's doubly hard because in many ways you are the one most hurt by it. But imagine what the future will be like when you take the high road and lead your family into it. I see two possible outcomes:

1. You and your wife reconcile, and she, you, and your kids are all in a much better place.

2. Your wife leaves despite the fact that you did your best, but you and your kids are still in a much better place because of who you are.

Given the realities as they exist now, it's a win-win for YOU no matter what as long as you allow it to be.

So, where do you get all this good stuff? Not just from the DB book.

Nothing I've said here or that anyone has said here is anything really new or earthshaking. The DB stuff is, IMO, a brilliant plan for taking real action, but if you think about it the underlying theme and the goal is nothing more than becoming a strong, loving, independent, and emotionally mature person.

The sad truth is that we get into these situations because at some point along the way we started behaving out of weakness, dependence and neediness, selfishness, and immaturity. Two weak, needy people cannot love each other. They can call it whatever they want, they can feel whatever they feel, but in reality, in LIFE, all they're doing is sucking the life out of each other and those around them.

The reason DB works (I think) is that it forces the LBS to become strong, then you are truly able to love someone else out of that strength. When the WAS starts experiencing that love, which is REAL love, the kind that puts someone else's best interest above our own selfishness, and also sees you becoming strong and independent and no longer dependent on them!, very often they want that back because, finally, when they're given space and time to focus on themselves (as the DB-er has been doing) the light finally goes off:

A-ha! Love is a choice! It's not so much about finding the right person but about being the right person (I think that's from Gary Thomas, "Sacred Marriage").

And often (I think) they intuitively recognize (even if they don't actually think this) that what their DB-ing spouse can give them now is actually BETTER than whatever they thought they'd get from the OP...who, incidentally, many realize, was so selfish that they were willing to allow or encourage our spouses to lie, cheat, whatever just to be with THEM and give THEM what THEY want. And maybe our WAS recognizes, at some level, that building a life off of this would be possible, but cheap because it would be a permanent reminder of mostly personal failure.

And, if the OP were capable, at that point in time, of truly loving your spouse, he would not pursue someone's wife and mother and help them dishonor or disgrace themself.

And then the spouse, over a long, long period of time and hard work, looks at their LBS, sees how much better they are handling themselves now, and recognizes that, by golly, what I have here is a damn nice person who has faults, but is willing to work on them, who has made some important changes, and who has stuck by me regardless! What luck!

Now, maybe the WAS actually realizes some or all of this, maybe not...maybe they really just sense it subconsciously, or maybe it's all a big steaming pile or donkey crap, but it's how I see it