She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

How and when you do it is up to you.

One of the mistakes I made early on was treating my W like a WAW, and I did that because I had just learned of everything. But she wasn't really a WAW at that point (or ever, really). She was still at home, committed to working things out, though she didn't really see how that could happen.

However, she was open to discussing things if there was a point to it. What she was not open to was listening to me rake her over the coals every day. The way she sees it, she just didn't owe me anything because I'd already bailed on her, so aside from apologizing and making some reasonable accommodations to make rebuilding possible, she could've cared less at that time.

There's nothing wrong with talking about the R if your W is living at home and is willing to talk about it, and you talk about the right things, and don't use it as an excuse to delve into all the dark stuff every time. The problem is that it's too easy to start out talking about one thing and end up focusing on all the bad stuff.

Again, that's why counseling with a real MC is really helpful.

The thing to avoid is putting pressure on her about the future, about what you want or expect from her.

Most women are more than happy to listen to their husbands admit their faults Just don't make it a big pity party, or too big of a production out of it.

I just asked my W one night when the kids were in bed if I could have a few minutes when we were already in our room. I told her that I realized I did X-Y-Z, I realize how hurtful and destructive it was. I don't want to be that kind of person anymore, and with God's help (I'm a Christian, btw) I won't be, and regardless of what happens I won't ever treat you that way again.

And then I simply asked for her forgiveness. She gave it. And then I set about making things right.

And that doesn't mean it all just gets better. It's a long, long hard road to forgiveness, for both of you, and it's very difficult and you won't do perfectly, but the only way to lose is to quit or to refuse to learn from your mistakes.

But remember...it only works if you do it because it's the right thing for you, not because you think it will get you what you want from your wife. It may some day, but it may not. There's just not really any other choice because you can't control her anyway. This isn't all just a big misunderstanding, she's probably not just going to snap out of it and say, wow, you really are the greatest. You worked to get together, you allowed things to go bad, and now you're going to have to work 10 times as hard to make em good again.