She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

Oh man GH nailed it and I just want to add my dittoes to what he posted.

What I did do, RIGHT AWAY, is see how her adultery, while a "broken vow" for sure, was only one of MANY broken vows in our marriage, and all but that one was broken by me...FIRST

I pretty much did the same thing. I sat my W down on the bed and read her off a list of all the things I believed I did wrong that made her hate me over the years just to show her I got it, I knew, I understood. I took the lion's share of the blame for our relationship going into the toilet and for her losing any affection for me she had.

I don't think that in any way justifies or excuses her choices because those were based on deficiencies in her own character. A commitment is a commitment, no matter what.

But I vowed to love, honor, and cherish her and I pretty well smashed the honor and cherish part, and smashed just about every aspect of love into smithereens.

The M went south far in advance of her cheating. I put her in a bad place emotionally, and she was very vulnerable and unhappy. Someone who's got their act together can get through that, but it just wasn't the case in our situation, and when a woman starts feeling dead inside, the first guy who comes along after that to make her feel like she wants to feel gets the blue ribbon.

Now, in my sitch, and I ain't saying that'll happen in yours, but when she saw me just fall on my sword and not demand that she do the same, saw me acknowledge my failures, and start taking the high road no matter what, she just sort of followed me after she started getting the idea it was for real.

And I think for some, though certainly not all, WAW who find themselves in this mess, when they see that their husbands can turn things around and are willing to forgive and move on, and make things better, that sort of lights the way home for them, and they often get to a point where that choice, although one of many, starts looking pretty dang good.