This struck me, and my response also expands on something I think TL said to you a few posts back.
Quote: The betrayer, my W, doesn't really feel sorry for what she did. Do you think she ever will?
The betrayer...hmmmmm...I think some people around here, over the past year, probably think I took TOO much blame for what went wrong in my marriage but I don't really agree. What I did do, RIGHT AWAY, is see how her adultery, while a "broken vow" for sure, was only one of MANY broken vows in our marriage, and all but that one was broken by me...FIRST.
To brand HER "The Betrayer" somehow elevates, or denigrates you depending on how you think about it. It either puts you in the position of judge, or victim.
I would bet, in a time of real honesty, your W would say YOU betrayed HER long before the thought of betraying you entered her mind. I bet she could paint a pretty dark picture of your marriage from her perspective.
Would that picture be accurate in the abstract sense? Probably not, but it's true to her.
This goes right along with the "right or married/happy" idea we've been talking about.
She's right about you being "the betrayer" as much as you are. Sure, she had an accomplice in the OM but that only complicates the matter, it doesn't change the fact that a marriage is made up of many intertwined factors, any of which, if far enough out of whack, can cause destruction.
So you being cheap, not going all-out for holidays, maybe paying less attention to her than you should, neglecting her sexually (trust me, it's possible), whatever, those are all "lesser evils" when compared to cheating but that is often only in the eye of the cheated on, not the cheater. To the cheater, yes, those are lesser offences but when you endure them for YEARS, they add up to something that makes cheating almost tame.
It's another one of those universals.
Sorry to harp on one little comment, but I try to pull these things out of posts that maybe give us insight.
As for your 180's, I agree, they all seem to revolve around how they would affect her and not much at all about how they would affect YOU. It's hard to understand this part of DB, the part about how you can't TRY to manipulate her but in all actuality, you ARE manipulating her. You do that by doing things that first, and foremost, YOU want to do. That way her reaction doesn't really matter. You aren't trying to piss her off either, you're simply just learning to once again enjoy things YOU like.
If that means throwing her a party, then great, but don't be surprised if her reaction is something other than you'd like.
One last thing. If your W is going to "dupe" you again, she will. Snooping and the like is not going to prevent that.
