She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

I think I'm not alone in feeling this way, but I have an overwhelming compulsion sometimes to search my wife's stuff and check on her to see if she is in contact with the OM.

Pretty common.

But I feel it's better to know than to be duped again, isn't it?

Depends on what you mean by duped. Depends on your attitude, too. If you're drawing your peace of mind, well-being, and sense of self-worth from her, you're not sharing your life with your wife, you're sucking the life out of her and, by implication, sending the message that you don't have anything to offer, anyway.

What you need to do is get strong and independent, rediscover your self-sufficiency, then be able to turn around and love her out of that strength. Takes time. Took a long time to get where you're at, and a long time to get back to where you want to be. This is not about your ability to guilt her into things or control her behavior. You can't, and even if you could, it wouldn't be worth it.

I know I need to focus on what I can control, and stop worrying.

True. And it's easier said (or typed) than done, as you know.

But doesn't the affair have to be addressed too?

Yes.

Don't my insecurities need to be addressed?

Yes, but you're the one who needs to address them.

In many of the books I've read, it says how the betrayer needs to apologize often, reassure often, and allow the betrayed to be paranoid and ask/demand accountability of time and communicactions.

Well, I DO believe this is a good indicator of success, but you also need to give her time. It isn't the same for everyone. In my sitch, I asked my W to do that for a short time, but I ended up asking her to NOT do it because I felt like, despite her betrayal, it was demeaning to her, and we'd never have the kind of marriage I want so long as she felt like she had to report to me.

That's not the way it is in real life is it?

Well, it depends on the people and the attitude of the WAS. My W may not have felt too bad for cheating on ME because, really, I abandoned her emotionally and in other ways before she ever cheated on me. However, adultery is wrong, it's immoral, it's taking time and attention and affection that a spouse should be giving to their spouse or their children or their home and giving it to someone who isn't entitled to it. So while she doesn't feel bad, it's still wrong,.

The betrayer, my W, doesn't really feel sorry for what she did. Do you think she ever will?

Don't assume anything at all. Start with a beginner's mind, as they say. She may feel bad. She may feel nothing at all. She's conflicted. She's dealing with some tough stuff. But this isn't about her right now. This is about you, and whether you're going to throw gasoline on the fire, or just take care of yourself and your family and allow the fire to burn out, as it will, one way or another.

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries and pointing out that you can't really work on your marriage when one of you is involved with a third party. But it really doesn't mean anything until she decides to work on the marriage, and she may not decide that for a while.

All you can really do is be a great husband and father and, by your example, make the choice clear, but she still has to make the choice.

The OP could be gone tomorrow, that won't mean she wants to or is willing to fully recommit to your M. The OP isn't the problem, he's a symptom.