She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

But I don’t think it’s enough to do something different than I normally would, I think I have to do something that W would enjoy too.

Not necessarily. Part of the 180-ing is getting YOU to a better place and making changes that are positive and new. It DOES help with the W but I'm being a little tough on you because you seem to be thinking mainly in terms of "what effect will this have on my wife" instead of, "what do I need to change regardless of how my W feels about it."

However, that's a great idea. Some of the biggest payoffs for me ended up being things I knew my W liked that I didn't...and the biggest 180 of all was simply wanting to do things with her just because it was her idea or she wanted to do it. But again, don't expect it to payoff for a long, long time.

I never bought her an engagement ring...but I don’t think that would be a smart move. I think it would make her feel trapped

Good thinking! You're starting to sound like an old pro at this.

I’m thinking of calling my W’s friends and setting up a birthday party for her, without me.

Why without you? I understand the motivation here, but my take on this (and I ain't saying I'm right) is, why not set up the party, be there, but allow her the time to socialize with her friends and sort of be there but just give her space. It'll be good for you and good for her.

I was thinking of getting her a very small, inexpensive gift for her birthday too, since I normally don’t. But would that seem like too much? She loves tea, I was thinking of getting some specialty teas and stuffing her stocking with them.

What do you think? Good idea?

GREAT idea for a gift. It's personal, and special, but not too intimate at a time when that could make her uncomfortable. Puts no pressure on her, and something she will enjoy that's just for her. Dude, you're rockin'!

What else can I 180 on? My wife is a serious introvert....So what can I do? Does it have to be big, or shocking?

Of course not unless you're eliminating a huge negative in terms of your attitude/behavior and replacing it with a huge positive. Many small changes really add up.

Maybe more theater, dance, or cultural events would be a good idea. We’ve always done those kinds of things to a limited degree. The difference would be that I’m planning them instead of her. She always planned events in the past. Is that a good 180?

YES! But don't overdo it because of the money issue.

Money is an issue now...Oh woe is me.

Maybe the least of your problems now, maybe not. This was a problem for us for several years too and the strain it puts on a relationship is tough. Don't get into worse money trouble now because you want to take her out and do all that stuff. You need to help lead your family out of the financial trouble and financial security is very important to a marriage and to a wife and mother. Being willing to sacrifice some so-called "retail therapy" in order to bank some money and be able to handle emergencies and just routine needs will do alot to boost your self-respect and help her respect you as well.

You can find cheap stuff to do for and with your wife that is meaningful as well as thrifty. For instance, my W loves a particular soup that we get at a nifty little neighborhood cafe near where we live. It's made there and she always gets it. Every now and then, I just stop by there at lunchtime, pick some up, and take it home to her. $2.15 bucks and it's special, it's personal, and it's thoughtful. And cheap

If she likes tea, you can do stuff like just make her some special tea and just bringing it to her while she's watching her favorite show...and maybe do some chores for her so she can do something she enjoys, like watching her favorite show, without having to, say, fold laundry while she's doing it, or feel like a slacker for putting stuff off that's going to end up making her twice as busy tomorrow, and which may interfere with other stuff.

So instead of not being able to enjoy her favorite show because she's doing housework, tending to kids, whatever, imagine how nice it'd be for her to get served a cup of good tea by you, sit down and watch her show, and have you run interference with the kids, chores, whatever.

Everybody wins when you do stuff like that.

One thing I did was identify the tasks my wife hated the most and doing those for her all the time, or as much as I could. Like the dishes. She likes cooking, but hates doing dishes. I, too, like cooking but hate doing dishes. But I like to see things neat and orderly. I decided that since my W does 99% of the cooking day-in/day-out, it was only fair that I do all of the dishes. I sort of dressed it up for her, too...told her that she was the star of the kitchen, the artist, so I was going to be her road crew: Make sure the kitchen was ready for her to come in and do her stuff, then clean it all up for her afterwards. Since she knows she doesn't have to clean up now, she also makes fancier meals when she can, so we all benefit.

Money is the least of my problems.

The real 180 here is not in taking her out more (although that's good too when you can) but in taking more responsibility for the finances. She may feel burdened doing that and then watching you spend the money even though she said it was okay. Don't put her in that position because she will feel too much of the pressure.

So a better 180 than taking her out to a show, it seems to me, is gently (without making her feel like you're blaming her) see if she'd rather you handle the finances, or find out how you can help make that easier on her without insulting her.