She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

I think I'm not alone in feeling this way, but I have an overwhelming compulsion sometimes to search my wife's stuff and check on her to see if she is in contact with the OM. I know it's destructive. If I find something, what will I do, confront her? It will hurt like hell, anything I find. But I feel it's better to know than to be duped again, isn't it?

I'm saying this outloud to help me get it out of my system and help me NOT search her stuff, hack into her email, or anything else totally stupid. She has promised to not contact him, and I think she has promised to tell me if he is in contact with her. I say think because my demands have continually been lessened and beaten down. At first, when she came back, I demanded no contact. Now, I've asked. I've asked enough times. If I keep asking, it sounds like a demand, so I've stopped asking.

I know I need to focus on what I can control, and stop worrying. But doesn't the affair have to be addressed too? Don't my insecurities need to be addressed? In many of the books I've read, it says how the betrayer needs to apologize often, reassure often, and allow the betrayed to be paranoid and ask/demand accountability of time and communicactions. That's not the way it is in real life is it? The betrayer, my W, doesn't really feel sorry for what she did. Do you think she ever will?

whew, helps to get it out.

Patience
give her space
work on myself
no expectations
act "as if" (I don't understand this one yet)
rinse and repeat.