She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

I’d like some advice about specific actions I’m considering. I’m trying to think of some 180s I can do. But I don’t think it’s enough to do something different than I normally would, I think I have to do something that W would enjoy too.

I’ve always been cheap, although I usually rationalize it better than that. I’ve (we’ve) also been poor for most of our marriage. I never bought her an engagement ring. It would be a 180 if I bought her one now, any ring, but I don’t think that would be a smart move. I think it would make her feel trapped.

I’ve always been a hum bug too. We have never made a big deal about our birthdays. Usually a card, maybe a nice dinner, that’s it. I’m thinking of calling my W’s friends and setting up a birthday party for her, without me. Nothing too extravagant, because we are poor again, but something different than normal. Her birthday is 2 days after Christmas, so it’s often been overlooked. I think she would like the special attention. I was thinking of getting her a very small, inexpensive gift for her birthday too, since I normally don’t. But would that seem like too much? She loves tea, I was thinking of getting some specialty teas and stuffing her stocking with them.

What do you think? Good idea?

What else can I 180 on? My wife is a serious introvert. She has very few friends (2 at the most, and she doesn’t really consider them close). She doesn’t want to go out, or party, or be around people. She seems to like to watch TV. I like to be home, with my family. So what can I do? Does it have to be big, or shocking?

I’ve taken her to 2 movies. That is a little out of character for me. My son’s old enough to baby-sit, so we can have dates, if she is up for them. I’ve bought tickets to take the family to the Nutcracker. Maybe more theater, dance, or cultural events would be a good idea. We’ve always done those kinds of things to a limited degree. The difference would be that I’m planning them instead of her. She always planned events in the past. Is that a good 180?

Money is an issue now. I didn’t realize how deeply we had gotten into debt in the last few years. My W was taking care of the money. Although she is competent, she didn’t make it clear to me how little money we had. I would ask, often, if we could afford to go out to eat. She almost always said yes. She felt that since I worked and she didn’t, that she couldn’t say no to me when I wanted to spend money. She told me that there were problems, but I didn’t catch the urgency. Now I want to spend money on dates, on activities for me as part of my GAL, but don’t have the funds, especially since I’ve started a new job that I think I’ll love but that has much lower benefits than before. Oh woe is me. Money is the least of my problems.