Quote: Like you, if I understood your comment correctly, I don't think I could continue with working on the R if my W contacted the OM again. I'm so jealous and hurt, and fearful that she will go back to him, that I think I would respond with anger and divorce. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility and so I won't over react.
They almost ALWAYS contact the OM again, or are contacted by him again. It's one of the universals. I denied it would happen in my sitch and then a couple weeks ago...BAM, out of the blue, W is crying about him calling her and wanting him just to go away.
Sure, in my case, it SEEMS like there is nothing to worry about but you have to understand that in most cases YOU DON'T KNOW what they are talking about. Not that them talking is good for any reason, but for you to say you'd react with anger and divorce if she contacted him again...read again CONTACTED him...not even seeing him in person, seems a bit extreme.
Please learn to focus on what you can control, which is YOUR life and not hers. You can only try to forge a bond, a love with her that makes her WANT to be with you.
Jealousy, although perfectly normal, is all about feeling like you're losing control. You never had it my friend. You only think you did. You can't MAKE her stay with you. Denying her access to him won't change anything if she doesn't feel a strong enough bond with YOU, and that means you need to stop worrying so much about what he is or isn't doing and worry about you and your R with your W.
If she wants to go with him, fine, she can go. You can't stop her, period. The more you try, the more you're daddy trying to keep his 16 year old daughter in on Prom Night.
This idea is one of the hardest parts about all this. The anger and pain feels SO right, that it's almost impossible to replace those with acceptance and love.
It's MUCH harder to walk away from someone who's showing love and kindness towards you, UNCONDITIONAL love and kindness than someone who's cursing your every breath.
Oh, and BTW, what HE's showing/showed to her probably FEELs a whole lot more like unconditional love than whatever you've been displaying lately. Think about it. All the time she was with him, he knew he was sharing. Every time they talk, it's almost always, in some way about you and yet he stays. He endured because he THOUGHT your W was going to end up with him.
I am in no way painting him a hero. He's an a$$hole to the highest order, if only for this action, but there IS something to understand about the usual nature of these things. He seemed like the one that was there for her. He seemed like the one that she could talk to. He seemed like the one who was passionately in love with her, and I don't care if they spent 1 hour or 1 month together, that's the nature of THAT beast.
SO, please try to understand that either you want to save your M or you don't. Either you want to be "right" or you want to be married. That doesn't mean you just sit back and let everything slide but it DOES mean that no one event, no one thing should be a deal breaker...unless you really mean that it is, and then you better not look back once you start walking.
