She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

I think I'm geting it. I think I'm getting the idea that I have to let her go and be strong for myself if there can be a chance I can get her back. It doesn't make sense, but it might work. It might allow me to keep some dignity and make myself happy, and, be a strong, good father for my children.

But actually putting it in practice is hard, especially having patience. I just KNOW that if we would talk, my logic would convince her. I just KNOW that she must want to love me and want the kind of R we can build.

But, since I've tried talking, I know it has the opposite affect. .

Tonight, after dinner, that we cooked together, she asked if I'd like her to sit at the table with me and talk. I said I'd like that but she didn't have to do that. I'm OK. She stayed with me anyway. We had a slightly awkward conversation about nothing. Should I have said that I'd like her to join me? Is that expressing too much affection and need?

And then the totally irrational and paranoid thoughts hit me. Suddenly today at work I thought, she's just waiting until after Christmas to leave again. I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I had to find someone to call and express my fears to before I could get a grip on myself again.

OK, this is getting long, but I need help with the strategy part. I'm really having a hard time thinking what I can do that would be different or changing. I have always wanted to take Aikido, but our budget really doesn't have room for that now. If she gets a job, I could take Aikido, but I can't pressure her to get a job, and then could I use that money for me?

What can I do that's out of character for me that she would like? She mainly likes to be alone - extreme introvert in most ways. I think I'll set up a little birthday party for her. We never really celebrated b-days much. Would that seem manipulative if I did that? I was thinking of calling her 2 closest friends (not that close) and setting something up, without me in attendance. I think she would like that but it may seem I'm trying too hard.

She is starting to resist the MC, and my 'niceness'. I can hear it in her voice. She feels the MC is manipulating her. Why she is mad at me I can only guess based on a post I read; she is mad that NOW I'm being, or starting to be, the man she wanted. Where was that man all those years she was miserable?

OK, long enough. Thanks.