She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

What do DBers mean by don’t believe or trust anything your S does or says?

I think it's more like, "Don't believe half of what they say, and ignore the other half." It's because when someone is in that bizarre mindset, they say and do things to provoke you, or they say things that are really more to convince themselves, or they base their thoughts and words on feelings that aren't going to last.

If you get distracted by that stuff and believe it yourself, you won't even want to try. However, if you simply make the proper changes in yourself and your life, and live it in front of their eyes, they will have to confront the reality of what they're doing.

That seems a little dishonest, but I think I see your point.

I don't see it as dishonest. There's nothing "magic" or manipulative about the DB techniques...all they are really designed to do is to help you become a strong, loving individual whose self-worth is not determined by another person's behavior toward you, and to perhaps give you some tips for getting your spouse's attention.

If you don't make the changes for real, the spouse ain't gonna be swayed anyway. And you can make those same changes regardless of whether you read the book or not.

But discussing it with the WAS just provides them a distraction from the issues and they can say stuff like, "You're just doing this because it's in a book, it isn't real" and stuff like that. The idea is to simply and quietly become a stronger, better person before their eyes, over time. That's powerful because they think the future is the past written in stone...i.e., YOU will always behave and act exactly like you have in the past.

The other part of that is, you need to SHOW them a new you, not TELL them about a new you, because telling them about a new you is just relationship talk, and they don't want to do that.

Also, WAS don't want to see you improve because that makes their choice so much more difficult, and makes them look even worse for making it. And, it makes them feel like you're patronizing and trying to manipulate them.

That's not the case, because you have to truly change and grow, but it's a convenient excuse for them to use to justify their own flawed mindset.