Quote: I can think of a few small things I can do, but basically, I kind of like myself. My W did a bit of an exercise to see what needs I meet and don't meet, and she told me I basically meet them all. Is small change enough? Doing things I want to do is a big one, having more confidence is something I'm working on, and now that I finally have a job I think I'm going to like, that will be a good change too.
Any positive change is good.
Quote: Another tricky part for me. The OM is her first love from H.S. She has always been infatuated with him. I don't see how I can win, even though she has cut off all communication with him. I try hard not to think about it, it's nothing I can control, but it makes me feel that this is hopeless.
Nothing's hopeless even if you and your wife split for good, because if she's the kind of person who values immature romance and infatuation (aka "magic", "being in love") that is built on the destruction of a family and her own character, then you have to let her make that choice and let it go...my point being that if you're truly putting 100% into being the best husband and father you can be, and she rejects your best, then you're better off without her, at least until she comes to her senses. But you need to give her the space to see what her choice really is.
In the mean time, if you two can do things together and have an enjoyable time, take her to do some things she's never done before...do some new things that are uncharacteristic of you or that she wouldn't expect you to do...especially if there are things she likes to do that you don't. It doesn't matter that you don't. As her husband, you've committed yourself to being her recreational partner for life, so go to it. If she likes to dance and you don't, take her dancing. Anything she has any kind of interest in.
One thing that was big with me and Mrs. TL very early on is, after years of being married and doing almost nothing alone together, I started taking her out once or twice a week, going to different restaurants, going to shoot pool, just going out and letting the night be our guide. We didn't spend a lot of money. But I figured, hey, she was cheating for years in secret with some OM where all she could really do was go meet him in secret and have sex, so a great way to meet a need she has (go out, have fun) and to do a 180 (I never did that before) and get something going in my direction that the OM couldn't do, I started taking her out for a fun, light good time.
Paid off in spades. Can't say that's what you need to do, but you get the picture?
But do something new and different, or find something she likes that you never did before, and do it when you can without expecting anything in return. There's a lot of talk around here about how many women want to be taken on an adventure but they don't want to BE the adventure. An adventure doesn't have to be some major exotic thing. Just something new and different.
Quote: Her being 'in love' with the OG. I've tried to tell her what you told me; that she's infatuated, living in the heat of the moment, etc. and that although her feelings are real, they won't last. She hates me telling her that. I think she believes her feelings are different, more real, and will last. Again, how can I compete or win?
Uh, that was for your understanding, your ears (eyes?) only, bro. Ditto what GH said about this. Of course she hates you telling her that because you're revealing your ignorance in her eyes: as far as she's concerned, her "love" for the OM is real, is bubbly, makes her feel alive, <insert nauseating adjective here>, and she wants that. There's nothing wrong with wanting that. What's wrong is wanting that with someone who's not your spouse. But when she thinks about your marriage, she doesn't see how that would ever be possible between you two, and then when you make her "feel like a science experiment" (what my W said when i did the same thing as you) that you're dissecting, you just repulse her.
You're playing tug-of-war with someone who's tied her end of the rope to a bulldozer and is sitting in the driver's seat wondering when you're going to figure it out, and you're so busy straining and trying to win that you can't see you're playing a game you can't win except by refusing to play.
You have to drop the rope.
That doesn't mean quitting. It means stop playing her game by her rules. She thinks the future is the past written in stone. Nothing will ever be different between you two, so why bother?
It's not just about you changing because you don't "need" to (bet this ain't true...most of us LBS are LBS because we quit on our M long before our WAS had an A), it's about finding something new in your life, and in life in general, that you two can share.
And you have to treat her great. You have to treat your kids great. You have to take care of business, and take care of yourself, and get to where you're strong on your own...not in an arrogant way, not to win her back, but because it's what's always been best for you anyway.
Like someone else on here said once, "If you're not the problem, you can't be the solution." So your job is to identify any areas in which you've been or are being a problem, and QUIT BEING A PROBLEM!
Once you've quit being a problem in your marriage, the choice will be more clear to her.
Quote: So, this stuff, piecing, takes how long? Years? Decades?
No way to know. A lot of what I've read says it takes at least 6 months or so for someone, especially a woman "in love", to begin to get past their addiction to an affair partner and feel ready to really invest in someone else.
I can tell you this from my experience: I've made some pretty decent progress but only because I got out of the way, quit trying to analyze everything with my W, and just kept my mouth shut and starting DOING what needed DOING. She noticed, and because she was willing to try (even though she didn't "want to", didn't have any feelings for me at first), it made a big difference.
Quote: does it ever get easier?
If you are willing to take the high road, then yes, it gets easier because you end up in a position of freedom, peace, and strength, and if you are willing to face your fears, your own character flaws that helped create this mess, and pay the price to get there, then you will find that the air is sweeter and you are able to respond constructively to what happens in your life, and may help to light your wife's way back to you.
Though it will take a while, it's worth it because you will find that your sense of well-being and self-worth doesn't come from your wife and isn't tied to what she does or doesn't do.
Our MC described it like this: you can't make a seed grow, only God and nature can do that. What you can do is create the optimum environment for growth. Keep the soil fertile, the conditions right, get rid of the weeds (hint), and stay the course.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
