First off, stop with the strategy sessions with her. Don't tell her ANYTHING about what you're reading or doing. Let her SEE it for herself and THEN it will be real to her, not just some trick you're trying out on her. This is REALLY important.
Quote: y W did a bit of an exercise to see what needs I meet and don't meet, and she told me I basically meet them all.
Um, pardon me for saying so, but BS. She's either lying to you, herself or both...that, or the "little bit" you aren't meeting is 90% of what she needs from a man. Maybe you are a GREAT listener, compliment her all the time, take her out, etc, but you never help around the house and you don't ML to her with the passion of a lover.
Sure, you do a lot, but that little bit may be the BIG difference to her.
Again, I suspect there is only part of the truth in whatever this exercise revealed to you both.
Quote: Also, I had an A few years ago. My W didn't know about it, but suspected. I realized the A wasn't going to solve my problems and I cut off the R with the OW completely. My W says she isn't really bothered by my A, but I suspect she is. I have confessed the A to her.
She isn't bothered by your A because she found a way to deal with it...she had one herself. If she said at the time, when she found out about it (was that AFTER or before you found out about hers BTW?), that she was "ok" with it, then there is some SERIOUS denial going on. She never processed that at all and I suspect it caused serious resentment, anger and drive for revenge in her.
IF she found out about it AFTER you knew about hers, well, she can't really fault you for doing what she now knows is "right" can she? She would be calling herself out, would she not?
Quote: Her being 'in love' with the OG. I've tried to tell her what you told me; that she's infatuated, living in the heat of the moment, etc. and that although her feelings are real, they won't last. She hates me telling her that. I think she believes her feelings are different, more real, and will last. Again, how can I compete or win?
As I said before. You can't TELL HER THIS STUFF. Stop doing that right now! She will resent the hell out of you for diagnosing her "love" as some kind of disease.
A large part of DBing is learning how to validate her feelings and what you are doing here is 100% opposite here and it's making her feel like you don't listen to, respect or care about her. The trick is to learn to validate without condoning her actions.
W: I am in love with him and I don't see how I will ever get past that. Things between us suck compared to how things are when I am with him. Y: I understand how you feel. It must feel terrible to be caught between things like this. I know our past has not been the best and understand how a future between us might not look that great. I don't agree, but I do understand how you might feel that way.
In the end, you don't compete. You can't compete, so you don't try. What she has/had with you is different, and in some ways, mainly because of all the trouble it would be to leave you, inherently "better". If you can make the necessary changes (er...take a step back...identify the necessary changes and THEN make them) you could begin to paint a new picture for her of what the future COULD be like with you. Without change though, she's not likely to replace that muddy, crappy, bleak view of your R that she has with anything else.
Quote:
She also feels DBing is a trick, or a way to 'trick' her into coming back. I've tried to explain that it's a tool, it can't force her to decide or act a different way. An alcoholic learns tricks to change their behaviour. It makes him or her a better person. Isn't this the same?
DO NOT EVER MENTION DB/DR OR ANY OTHER BOOK/SITE TO HER AGAIN! IT DOES NOT HELP AND CHEAPENS WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AS YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN.
Quote: I'll continue to work on this, and especially continue to work on myself, setting goals, trying to understand what makes me happy, what I need, and what kind of a person I want to be. That way, if she does choose the OG, I'll still have gained something. I don't think it can make up for the loss, but it's something.
So, this stuff, piecing, takes how long? Years? Decades? does it ever get easier?
Yes, start there.
In terms of how much time it takes, each sitch is different. A lot depends on your honesty with yourself, her honesty with you and your real desire to make things better. We all agree that it will eventually take both of you to do this, but for now, you have the wheel. Start driving!
