She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Thanks so much toughlover.

It's hard and confusing. But I'll do it (not try )

Maybe you could help with some trouble spots. For starters, changing myself and being the person I want to be. I can think of a few small things I can do, but basically, I kind of like myself. My W did a bit of an exercise to see what needs I meet and don't meet, and she told me I basically meet them all. Is small change enough? Doing things I want to do is a big one, having more confidence is something I'm working on, and now that I finally have a job I think I'm going to like, that will be a good change too.

Another tricky part for me. The OM is her first love from H.S. She has always been infatuated with him. I don't see how I can win, even though she has cut off all communication with him. I try hard not to think about it, it's nothing I can control, but it makes me feel that this is hopeless.

Also, I had an A few years ago. My W didn't know about it, but suspected. I realized the A wasn't going to solve my problems and I cut off the R with the OW completely. My W says she isn't really bothered by my A, but I suspect she is. I have confessed the A to her.

Her being 'in love' with the OG. I've tried to tell her what you told me; that she's infatuated, living in the heat of the moment, etc. and that although her feelings are real, they won't last. She hates me telling her that. I think she believes her feelings are different, more real, and will last. Again, how can I compete or win?

She also feels DBing is a trick, or a way to 'trick' her into coming back. I've tried to explain that it's a tool, it can't force her to decide or act a different way. An alcoholic learns tricks to change their behaviour. It makes him or her a better person. Isn't this the same?

I'll continue to work on this, and especially continue to work on myself, setting goals, trying to understand what makes me happy, what I need, and what kind of a person I want to be. That way, if she does choose the OG, I'll still have gained something. I don't think it can make up for the loss, but it's something.

So, this stuff, piecing, takes how long? Years? Decades? does it ever get easier?