She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[toughlover]

Well, I've been in a similar sitch, not exactly the same, but I know what it's like to be working on a marriage when your wife has just given up her adultery partner.

She asked if she could come back. I said yes, if she gave up the OM and agreed to work on the M/R.

Good boundaries, and she agreed, so that's good. Now that she's back, you know you've really got to give her space so long as she's living up to her commitments, right? In a way that's sort of compensation to her right now for doing the right thing. She needs to get an immediate benefit since she's going to be trying to beat her addiction to the OM.

We have started counseling.

That's excellent, especially if the counselor is solution-oriented and believes in marriage. If not, find a better one.

Things are better than I think I have a right to hope for, but so very hard.

Oh, man, I've been there. Occasionally still am, though it's getting to be mostly all good. It's going to be hard for a while. You need to get yourself to a strong place as an individual, and that's the toughest, scariest part of all. But it pays huge, no matter what your wife ultimately decides. And if you do it, you have the best shot at saving things (so do the DB stuff!).

She is still in love with the OM and trying to decide what she wants.

Yeah well that "in love" stuff only gets them so far cause it's not got enough juice to get you through real life. It's to real committed love what a good song on the radio or really nice upholstery is to driving a car. Your car will get you from point A to point B whether the radio works or not. A car radio without a car, however, won't do much for you. The "in love" stuff is the same way. When your marriage is really good, all the feelings make it even better just like having a radio playing good music will make the ride more enjoyable. But first things first. Get your marriage running properly and the rest will follow in time.

I feel all my efforts are wasted until she decides.

Well, that depends on what your efforts are. If you can achieve right actions, none of that is wasted unless your expectations are too unrealistic or rushed!

The reality is that the proper efforts aren't wasted if you're doing them for you, you will get almost immediate returns for yourself and probably your kids. If you mean they're wasted on your wife, that's not entirely true. You may not see immediate payback from her for your efforts, although you may see just a little, but if you stay the course and this works over time, you'll see real benefits long-term, you just probably won't see the effects right now.

I know I have to be patient.

Understatement of the year! Very difficult to do. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do and the being patient part is really tough. No way to do it but to just do it, I'm afraid. It, too, pays off one way or another though.

I’m trying to work on myself and goals while I’m waiting.

Good, but as we say around the toughlover home, "trying is lying." Just do it! You can, and you'll be glad you did. Just have to trust me on that one.

But it seems so hard and painful to be so close to her and so far apart.

Yes it is. And it may even hurt more before it gets better. But if you do the stuff you're supposed to (DB stuff), and realize that you can't choose for her. Love is, at it's heart, a choice, not a feeling. So far, she's chosen you and your family. That is the right stuff to build a loving marriage on. You are both going to be tested and it will be very difficult, and many days seems absolutely hopeless.

Things got much better for me when I simply decided, in my case because of who God is and who he calls me to be, to simply be the husband and father I wanted to be, I was supposed to be, whether I got anything from my W or not. Once I started doing that (acting "as if" as the Db'ers say), things changed for the better. Slowly at first. Don't tell her, GIVE her the kind of husband and family any mature woman would love to have, without pursuing her or pressuring her. Chances are good that she'll come around eventually. And even if she doesn't, you and your kids will benefit. That's your best shot.