What to expect...part three

[PositivelyListening]

Hi MamaBear! Great conversation going on over here, about the truth and the need for honesty vs. DBing. First, I am sorry you are hurting and that this is still an issue. IMHO, in order for you to be truly reconciling, you H needs to be making efforts also towards your reconcilliation, and since he "stepped out" part of his job would need to be to reassure you. The problem is, he has reassured you (by saying he never had an A) and you don't believe him. So this is a big discrepancy, you are living in different realities. This issue would need to be reconciled before your M could be in the state of reconcilling, IMO. Because right now there is no trust, there can not be even the building of trust, because out the gate you are not in alignment.

Now in DBing they talk about not mentioning the the OP. I think that is "in the beginning" of DBing. Fact is, you have already talked about it, your H has told you something, and you don't believe him. What did you do or say when he gave you his answer, and you didn't believe him? Did you say "I don't believe you. I am sorry, but I do not think you are telling me the truth." ? Because unless you said that, and he followed it with "What can I do or say to help you trust me, to reassure you?" then YOU are sweeping your truth under the rug. It is not just H sweeping the uncomfortable things under.

I think this is really important, because it is so easy to blame our partners for not being truthful, even when we are complicit in that act. What can you do to begin to be the space where only truth is present? What would you need to do, and who would you need to be, such that it would be preferable and comfortable and necessary for the truth to prevail?

Here's what I'm thinking: Start with "I" statements. Such as "I have not been truthful with you. I said X when the truth was Y. I'm sorry. I am making an effort to have a closer R with you, and I know honesty is an important ingredient of that." Keep having conversations like that, not expecting anything from H. See how much there is for you to do or say to come clean. Let H alone and focus on you, see where that leads you.

My two cents. I love you Mama, and have missed you while I was away. I hope it is OK I jumped in here with such vigor.