It is refreshing to see where you are now. I wish I can get to that place you are at, but I have the same sitch and issues you do with my W. It is still very hard, but I am finding ways to cope and work on me and my R everyday. I have followed your sitch and I gain inspiration from your commitment.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Hi Sol, I regret to admit that I am not familiar with your sitch. I will take a few minutes to check out your thread and comment if I can. I am glad that I can be an inspiration to someone, that makes me feel good. Thanks!
Quote: Sometimes I feel like he's too good to be true, ya know?
Ok, here is my dilema: The last three times that I have been off work at night my H takes money out of our checking account and goes out (doesn't say where, doesn't call to let me know, just doesn't come home from work) and appears to be doing this today since I am off.
On all other counts he has been great except this. It leads me to believe that he has become a master manipulator and an even better deceiver. Of course, now I am pissed off and want to jump down his throat when he gets home. Of course, in my mind, I am thinking that he is with HER !
Geez, just when things seemed to be going so well....
How much does money/income tie into a man's self worth?
Well... I think when they are in MLC it doesn't matter how much they make or what they achieve, it's never enough! I think following MLC they are much more realistic and more self-accepting.
Quote: We currently are trying to dig ourselves out of a huge financial hole.
Welcome to the club!!!!
Quote: I am worried that this will cause him to resent me and find happiness (based in non-reality) with OW again.
In general OP can be very costly (OW cost us a bloody arm and leg!!!). Hopefully that would be a deterent to your husband.
Have you tried budegting with a program like Excel? We've been doing that. Of course, it doesn't erase the debt. That's going to take time.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok, here is my dilema: The last three times that I have been off work at night my H takes money out of our checking account and goes out (doesn't say where, doesn't call to let me know, just doesn't come home from work) and appears to be doing this today since I am off.
On all other counts he has been great except this. It leads me to believe that he has become a master manipulator and an even better deceiver. Of course, now I am pissed off and want to jump down his throat when he gets home. Of course, in my mind, I am thinking that he is with HER !
Geez, just when things seemed to be going so well....
Have you asked him what he's doing? Why not invite him out?
This probably won't be a popular answer, but if I really suspected something going on I'd do some sleuthing. I can't recommend you do this, but I happen to have an insatiable desire to know everything going on and if he was being very suspicious....
I'd either hire a private investigator, "tail him" myself (kind of tricky, but I have done this... even brought my grandfather's high powered binoculars along!!!!! So pathetic!), the other thing I've heard of is buying a very small voice activated recorder and duct taping it under a seat in the car.
I know these sound a little nutty, but not knowing the truth actually bothers me more than my husband having an affair. Also, my husband has lied to me waaaaay too many times.
But then, you also have to ask yourself... what if he is seeing OW? What then? What would you do? Give up? Leave or demand a divorce? I figure that until my youngest is 17 or 18, my feet are put.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well I did ask him, he said he stayed after work to talk to his manager about things (same excuse he used before). I also called him out about the money and of course he had an answer for that too. Frankly, I don't believe him and I think I am going to have to discuss this with him. Even if absolutely NOTHING is going on, the mere fact that he works with OW will probably bother me forever. Any time he is late for whatever reason I am going to assume it is because he is with her. I don't want to live that way. Ughh.....
Mama, I am sorry for this stuff going on (in your head, or really going on - all the same for your emotions)
The fact that he has NEVER told you the truth, or the whole truth, or owned any of it is not good long-term for your R and your trust. Period. JMO, of course, but you are just going on assumptions and emotions about the whole deal, basing where you "are" in the M on the ever-changing emotions of you, and what you THINK your H is doing. I would lose my f-ing mind if I were you.
Which is to say, you have been very strong in the face of a bunch of FOG, instead of real answers. Perhaps you need to get some. But not in a confrontational kind of way. I would venture to say you need a plan about how to talk, if you intend to, either from the wise ones here, a C, a DB coach, someone to help you be more objective and less emotional about it when you do confront your H to get answers and a plan. Instead of just floating along on more fog.
Again, though, this may not be the answer for your R, but the fact that he works with OW (who has not even been confirmed to BE an OW by your H) is el-crap IMO. That job would have to go, go, go were it me. But you know, I'm Ms. Emotionally Controlled mostly.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: The fact that he has NEVER told you the truth, or the whole truth, or owned any of it is not good long-term for your R and your trust.
Will he ever admit the truth? I think he would rather sweep it under the rug and forget about it.
Quote: Which is to say, you have been very strong in the face of a bunch of FOG, instead of real answers. Perhaps you need to get some. But not in a confrontational kind of way. I would venture to say you need a plan about how to talk, if you intend to, either from the wise ones here, a C, a DB coach, someone to help you be more objective and less emotional about it when you do confront your H to get answers and a plan. Instead of just floating along on more fog.
That is exactly it, I am floating along on the fog. I am the type of person that needs to know everything, in fact, my brothers tease me that I am a "reporter" cause when we talk on the phone they say I ask too many questions.
Quote: the fact that he works with OW (who has not even been confirmed to BE an OW by your H) is el-crap IMO. That job would have to go, go, go were it me. But you know, I'm Ms. Emotionally Controlled mostly.
Well I am also a member of the Ms. Emotionally Controlled club and I HATE the fact that he works the the "alleged" OW.
We have talked several times recently about his leaving that job, even us selling the house and moving somewhere else and starting over. Unfortunately, our finances are in such dire straits right now that moving is not possible but I do think it is possible for him to change jobs or even get a second job (so he has no time to hang around after work with her).
Whenever you bring up this fact that he has never actually confirmed the affair or identity of OW, it astounds me.
I guess, in the abstract, the idea that "it's not about the OP" would apply, but then again, it seems pretty hard to recover from an injury you've never acknowledged.
I'm SURE he would rather just walk away from whatever happened with this chick, and I am also sure that there are some details that he THINKS (like my W does BTW) would make you leave him for sure. What they don't realize is that the ideas in our heads are probably just as dirty and damning as anything they could tell us, probably more so.
It would be foolish to suggest that KNOWING something to be true and just suspecting it are equal in the grand scheme of things but it sure would be nice if the WAS understood that in absence of a full and honest confession from them, we THINK they share certain character traits with the Devil anyway and we've processed this, accepted it, and in many cases, moved on, as you have.
Him telling you the whole truth would NOT likely result in you leaving him...but then again, he doesn't get that.
Of course, he COULD be a lying a$$hole...
In any event, I get that you want closure on all this. You want to know what happened, what's still happening, and where you two are going. I guess the only advice I have is to worry 90% about where you are going, 8% on what's happening now and 2% on what happened in the past. I think he will tell you, or eventually that 2% will become so distracting that you'll have to ask him to tell you, but give it some more time.
Things are good right now and you should foster that. Encourage things growing between you and let that help the rest.
