Hi GH, Its' so nice to hear from you and no you did not offend me or make light of my sitch. You are very objective and honest and that is what I like about coming here.
Quote: then the constant implied, or even overt pressure to ML is a HUGE turn-off. The advice to "just go for it" is good for maybe one or two attempts but constant bugging someone to have $ex seems to be the wrong way to go.
I tend to agree with you here, I myself feel a little desparate so I am quite sure that I am coming off as such. I don't believe there should be pressure from either of us to ML, I believe it should just come natural.
If I really dig deep it's not really even the sex that I want, it is more about connecting with my H, feeling loved and treasured by the person that I love and treasure. It is really a self-esteem thing for me. A year ago H told me he no longer loved me, wasn't attracted to me and wanted a D. It is hard to get past those words.
As far as moving, that is just not financially possibly at this point in time although H has stated several times over the past month that he is considering switching jobs. He says it is to get more hours and more money, I have a feeling it might be more than that; like a need to break free from the OW (wishfull thinking on my part).
I have encouraged him to do this because I know how scary it can be to change jobs and also because selfishly I want him to get away from her.
Thanks for encouraging me, I need that every once in a while because some days I just want to give up. Then I realize I want to give up because I am a big selfish baby who is not getting her way. That is wrong, as you said we are partners and everything is not always about me and my happiness, I have 4 other people's happiness to consider too.
Are you real huggy and touchy with your husband? I used to be non-huggy, but have found myself just reaching out and hugging, touching my husband to get that "connection" need met. It's funny because I realized I had an easier time doing this with my children, but wasn't great about reaching out towards my husband because he's a non-huggy touchy person. Now I just do it to him regardless of how he feels. If he's tired of it he pushes me away. In the past I'd take that personal... he doesn't love me. But now I realize it's part of who he is and I don't take it personal.
But I do find that by hugging and touching him a lot he seems to do it more back (although not to the level I do!) and it does feel more connecting.
Interestingly, when I do it less now he'll ask if things are okay with me. I think now he expects more physical affection from me.
One more thing... this isn't needy pursuing affection. It's just confident, loving hugs and touches here and there when we're around each other (I am mostly the initiator. Hey, I'm just more confident!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Give yourself a BIG pat on the back! When I read your statement about wanting your H to get away from OW but not pushing because you know how hard that is, well, you are in such a kind, loving and compassionate place. It's wonderful Sometimes it's hard to see the baby steps in our own sitches, but when I think about your posts a few months ago, and then read them now, I'm amazed at how far you've come in choosing your thoughts, actions and words.
You have done SO much that is positive for yourself and your family. (((Mama))).. keep it going
Root, I do find that when I hug or kiss my H he holds on longer. It is just that sometimes it feels a little awkward getting there.
Piglet, Thank you for your kind words. I still have a LOT of anxiety about the OW since they work together. But I have learned that since there is nothing I can do about it, it doesn't make much sense to fret about it all day.
Root, I do find that when I hug or kiss my H he holds on longer. It is just that sometimes it feels a little awkward getting there.
Piglet, Thank you for your kind words. I still have a LOT of anxiety about the OW since they work together. But I have learned that since there is nothing I can do about it, it doesn't make much sense to fret about it all day.
Ok, since the season just started last night, I'm sure my Grey's Anatomy references will get more frequent and here goes the first one.
Last night on the show (if you watch, then you already know) there were two characters who are dating but not talking to each other right now. Throughout the whole episode, it was clear that both of them WANTED to talk and maybe even more, but each of them had their reasons they were using as excuses not to.
While the issue was not resolved on that episode, it's obvious that the writers will have the characters come to some kind of new perspective because of some life altering event and they will realize that they have been stupid to be acting the way they have.
What does that have to do with you? Well, I think that maybe your H is in that place. He has some kind of pent up emotions, some trumped up excuses why he doesn't just "jump all in" with you and it may simply take time, or some kind of "ah-ha" moment when his perspective makes that shift and he realizes that, as Mr. Miagi said, "there is no try, there is only do." (or was that some other wise master?)
At least I hope that's the case. It seems like your H is peeking through the wall but is still afraid to leave it's relative safety.
I am proud of you for maintaining and I hope you can keep it going.
Actually, we both have built up a wall. H is obviously not a talker so discussing our R will only bother him so I don't want to go there.
My wall is actually going up because I am trying to protect myself. I don't want to be hurt again. While he tells me that he loves me, does lots around the house as well as favors for me he doesn't really show me that he loves me. By reading others sitchs here I realize that it does take time for the WAS to be comfortable again intimately with the LBS but as you know I am not a patient person. I feel that we are back to our old marriage, the one where we have no $ex life. I do not want that, it is not healthy and what led to my H's A.
On a happier note my b-day is coming up and H actually made plans with me and took the next day off from work! If you remember last year, I didn't even get as much as a card and I ended up going out with a girlfriend and getting a tatoo.
I think sometimes we build these walls and we can't see things getting better when they clearly are. In your case, things ARE getting better and I think they will continue to do so. The way YOU live your live needs to be an example to both of you how things WILL be in the future, not how they were in the past.
Quote: My wall is actually going up because I am trying to protect myself. I don't want to be hurt again.
The unfortunate thing about this is that it is usually the shell constructed to protect the emotionally unavailable person that ensures that they will be hurt again.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, holy freaking carp, I have not heard from YOU in a long time (or should I say I have been absent from YOUR threads...sorry) and then you come with that nice little nugget.
Mama, this is kinda what I was getting at, or rather, what I wanted to get at with my last post. I think if you try too hard to protect yourself you just end up ensuring more pain.
Your protection may be viewed as any number of things by your H, none of which probably too appealing to him.
Have you ever tried to ML with someone wearing full body armor?
Sometimes it's hard to see the baby steps in our own sitches, but when I think about your posts a few months ago, and then read them now, I'm amazed at how far you've come in choosing your thoughts, actions and words.