Same hon!! sometimes i think I should take a break. I so want to encourage the lost souls who just come into the boards on all 4s, now and then a sitch will hit too close to home and old feelings come back, so I'm trying to "wean" myself from the boards a bit
Have a wonderful Christmas all!!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hey I'm popping in occasionally but I'm fixing to be gone for a while. Got some GAL stuff going on over the holidays and am actually looking forward to spending a little more time away from the W for a while. Just kind of tired of thinking and dealing with all this stuff and, well, it's getting to where I don't really have to anymore...just need to do what's right, and the past is becoming a tad irrelevant. Feels good. Things are still very good here.
I'm gonna miss y'all over CHRISTmas and wish you all well.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Quote: I am planning on putting on some cute lingerie on X-mas eve while we are frantically wrapping gifts so we will see where that goes.
Wow! I'm proud of you!!!! One more good idea is to dump the frumpy sleepwear and replace it with more attractive stuff. I know with kids it isn't always easy to wear sexy lingerie all the time but form-fitting attractive sleepwear is a good step too. I'm slowly replacing the ugly stuff (wearing more "sexy" tanks with built in bras and those cute "Pink" sweatpants from Victoria's Secret... the stuff you could wear in the front yard if there were an earthquake, yet still attractive enough to get a little attention )
Hey!!!! Happy holidays to everyone too! TL --hope you have a great time GALing!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Not much has been happening around here. In fact, due to our work schedules I didn't see H at all on Wed. or Thurs. When we finally did see eachother Friday evening I thought things would be good. We hung out together; watched some TV and talked alot catching eachother up about our week. Then H goes upstairs to go to bed. I follow him up to give him a hug and kiss and he turns his face. I leave to tuck in the kids then go back in the room and lay next to him and kiss him on the lips. I said "You know, it really hurts my feelings when you go up to bed and don't even kiss me goodnight." He said, "Don't start this" (with a tone of voice that meant it) So I left the room and slept in the basement.
It is pretty clear that he is only here for the kids and because quite frankly, we are broke, so he can't afford to leave.
He has also told me in no uncertain terms that I am not to give him a Christmas gift and if I do he will not open it. Obviously he has no intention of giving me one either. Is this how you treat someone you love?
We are supposed to go Christmas shopping after I get off work tonight. Do I go? I'm tired of trying. I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. Do I concede that I lost, give up hope and live together as roommates?
Oh MamaBear, I am so sorry you are hurting right now. This is tough, I know. Since you are asking for advice, I have two things to offer. 1) Don't make any decisions or do anything substantially different over the holidays. Wait until that is past, and the kids are back in school, and life turns a little more back to normal, and then reevaluate
2) Don't let H tell you what to do about giving him a gift. Do what YOU want to do. However, is it possible that your H is feeling overwhelmed about how hard it is to make Christmas happen financially? Consider making him something, or giving him something small. Unless you don't want to. I do get the feeling that your H is mad and not communicating, but don't assume you always know what it is about. And your H (like many men) does not want to talk. You come to him with "it is hard for me when..." and he can't handle it right now, obviously. That is about you, and he is caught up in himself and his own worries right now. What is your H's primary LL? If it's Acts of Service, offer him a back rub and make him something. If it's Words of Affirmation, tell him how much you appreciate how hard he is working to support the family, and what a great dad he is. Etc. - speak to him in his LL.
My homework for you Mama, durng this holiday season (and maybe forever! but start here), is for you to focus only on what is working in your life. Look for the good and praise it. Attitude of gratitude. Ignore the rest, focus only on the positive, praise it outloud when you see it, write it down in a journal too, just for a week, and see what happens.
I send you many blessings Mama. If this was your last Christmas on Earth together, what would you want it to be like? Create that. You can do it Mama. You can do anything. Make this the best Christmas ever. Do not let anyone or anything stop you.
I am rooting for you Mama. There is no one that can make your life great but you. Take it on, leave your H in the dust for now if you have to, but set your sights and go for it. Stop waiting on his behavior to help you feel safe.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
It must really hurt to be dealing with this right now. I know how much you want your H to be loving and moving forward right now, especially at Christmas.
How about some 180s and act as if? You've made an assumption of his thoughts and feelings and that's understandable. But the more you think he's just there for the kids, the more unhappy it will make you! Can you try to not think that, or if you can't stop, see it as a positive? He is THERE. Don't assume it's because of finances. He's said things in the past that say he enjoys spending time as a family and doesnt want to lose you. Work with that if you can and see if your actions will change him.
It's such a long process and I know the frustration can be overwhelming. I've had so much positive progress, but a year ago, things were cold and screwed up with no end in sight. I just wanted to know that J loved me and wanted to be with me, but he wasn't feeling that. The best he could do was be here physically in the house and I can remember being so p*ssed that I had to live with someone who couldnt have a real M with me. Things were that way for YEARS (the coldness) before J changed, but it had to start with me, so I was years behind in trying to initiate change between us because I was wallowing, angry, bitter and unhappy myself. Still, we have alot to deal with and it's gonna take time. I'm not trying to project here, but just say if you can learn from my mistakes I regret that I allowed his lack of progress and distance to turn me into a WAW.. it added a lot of pain for the whole family to deal with.
Anyway, I'd go shopping and act as if. Remember all the fun activities you've enjoyed? That seems like a good place to start with your H. he's hurt you with saying not to buy him a present. So.. could you buy him presents and just put the kids names on them? And if you anticipate that he won't buy you a gift, maybe you could wrap something for yourself from the kids too? It would be hard for me to take this advice myself, but anything you can do to make Christmas positive, happy and stay in a good, happy place emotionally, do it. If you can keep from giving him a reason to blame his unhappiness right now on you, do it.
No sweetie, this isnt how you treat someone you love if you're focusing on loving them. You deserve better, but he can't give it right now because he's wallowing in something or in a bad place. It's not about you. Easy to say, hard to remember, huh?
Do what's easiest on you. If you wanna concede and live as roommates, do it. Whatever you decide, try to act as if, GAL and be postively glowing when you are around him. Gosh, I know you're tired. We all get tired of working at times, especially when we're not seeing progress, or there's a backslide. There are still days when I wanna quit when J is cold and distant. What was the analogy someone posted? About luring them to us? Give them space, but become the best we can be for ourselves and they'll notice.
Merry Christmas Mama. Hang in there.. keep your chin up. You've come so far and I just know you can keep going. Huggs!!
Quote: Stop waiting on his behavior to help you feel safe.
Boy, that is one for me as well. ugh.
We had 2 friends over for dinner last night, kids put to bed early, 2 bottles of wine consumed, lots of good conversation, etc. A nice time in the midst of uncertainty.
SO.
I'm all wined-up and watching my H from across the room, wildly attracted to him as always, but not sober enough to tuck it away like normal. I was just wanting a really fab kiss from him, b/c he used to just take my breath away when he kissed me, you know? Back when he used to try to.
After friends leave and we clean up, I go to kiss him (to check the waters) and he recoiled, laughed nervously and left to do last minute shopping. I cried and went to bed.
I feel your pain, Mama. I DO. Hang on, sweetie. God does not have this for us. What He does have, I don't know, but this isn't it. We just have to grow thru it, and wait for the blessing on the other side. Easier said than lived through, I know.
Merry Christmas, my friend. I think of you, and pray for all of us.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi kiddo! I just wanted to stop by (long time) and say hello and happy holidays to you!
WOW, it's been almost all of 2006 since we've known each other on the boards. I k now your sitch seems to crawl at snail's pace, but think back to this time last year and how far you have come. I do the same, and I see how much crazier my M has gotten, but how much stronger and better I have been.
I am wishing you and yoru family a wonderful holiday and 2007. I know it will bring lots of joy.
)
I regret that I allowed his lack of progress and distance to turn me into a WAW.. it added a lot of pain for the whole family to deal with.