It just makes me sad to think that there was so much we missed out on for fear of rejection by our Spouse, the one person who truly loved us and we couldn't see it.


I have read this post and GH's post and yes this is so very personal and also extremely hard to overcome,,, but as much as we need of them to choose us they also want to be chosen and feel wanted.


I myself implemented much of what I read in PM during my Seperation,, cause I thought well H*ll if he is going to leave anyway he can go out with a bang and see who I really am,,,,, No pun intended. But really for years I was just shut down b/c he had had a previous A which even resulted n a DNA test ( not his Thank God)so I was pretty lost and felt extremely ugly and unwanted so instead of giving myself fully and letting him see how Beautiful I am I just closed off and stopped being alive......

I do even remeber him saying "why are you doing all these things now?'
As personal as ML is I feel ok in sharing all this with you so that you can enjoy what I now enjoy. ( and believe me it still takes an effort by me sometimes b/c of the OW issue... )

I remember in the summer I just went for it and he was very cold in the beginning b/c afterall he was with me and he was on the phone with her and she was his GF, OW whatever,,,,, But i looked at it like a blessing from Gid to be able to share myself in a new way with him and if he could not feel my Passion for him and my love for him he wuld have to have been dead,, well he sort of was,, but little by little even though I had to face my worst fear of him rejecting me then at least he would never be able to forget me......

I was competing with the OW and also with my old self ,, he most likely felt like I was doing all this to get him back but actually I was not ,, I do even remember saying to him well to me it is as if someone told me you have a terminal illness and I have to enjoy every minute of you,, if you are not enjoying it then we can stop and I will leave you alone,,,,, he never told me to stop.

Also I do believe that you can take the leap but also in your daily interaction try to fill up your H love tank as they say In 5LL as much as you can... cause I dunno how it is for men but if he feels you are not "into" him then maybe his Self Esteem needs to get back some more before he will even feel like being intitmate..... I dunno how it is for men though.

Plus I do remember my H feeling guilty b/c he had shared himself with another ( OW) and out of respect for me he told me I did not want to ML to you and yet I could not resist you... but I just never wanted to hurt you.... I did end up going to get a STD test done and he said he had used protection but I knew what sort of Woman she was so I was still scared and also I remember him feeling shame when he came home that nite and he told me to stop walking around in my Panties cause he couldnt have me anyway cause he was "dirty" I calmed him down by saying I never said that to you it is what you are feeling inside about yourself and please stop it,, you can have me afterall I still love you,,,,, This was just a few weeks before we reconciled.
I even remember one time during the beginning of our Sepearation when he was literally just laying there like I was torturing him instead of "doing" him and I was going to stop and he said it doesnt feel tooooo nice does it for me to just be laying here? and I sadi " well as a matter of fact ,, NO..." and to which he replied" Well you used to do this to me alooooooooot and act like it was a chore to ML to me and I still went about my day and I had to go to work feeling this way."

And let me tell you I felt sooooooooooooooo ugly and soooooooooooooooooo unwanted and I cannot imagine how he endured this for years,, one time for me felt like ... indescribable actually.....


I dunno when you will feel ready to take the leap but when the time is right you just will I hope.

When you get to that point the ML will surpass anything you have ever felt,,, maybe a sex Thereapist would be able to help too,, I saw one for @ 2 years in my First M and it did help but until I was able to realize in this M that me being a Sexual Being with my H was ok and actually a blessing and that Good girls ( Cathoilic) can be Erotic too, until I gave myself permisson it just was not there and the ML was just there BLAH ...

..... now it is so Real and Beautiful. It goes past just Ml to reach climax it takes on a whole new Beautiful feeling.

All My Best and Prayers are with you sweetie and I hope one day you can say "YES!!!!!!! I MADE LOVE TO MY HUSBAND AND IT WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!!!!!! ~~~~ Give yoursef time, all in time,,,, ~~~~~~
GOD BLESS....