Quote: Well nothing to report on the front. I kind of tried but H is just not into it. Although I have to admit I am not either. I have thought alot about it and I am plain afraid. I'm afraid that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, I'm afraid that he thinks I am boring and mechanical, I'm afraid to be rejected so I half-heatedly try to initiate.
Mama, this is indeed a problem. I had all the same issues, every last one of them and responded the same way. Actually, as good as things have been going lately for me, I STILL feel that way, and have shown it over the past few days, only half-heatedly initiating, kinda like "Hey, if you want to ML, so do I, but it's ok if you don't..."
Guess what? I have not ML in a week. I know, sad story, but the moral to the story is that when MY attitude changes, when MY drive lowers, it affects what happens big time. Does that mean that it's right that it's all on me? Or, does it even mean it IS all on me? I don't think so.
What it means is that my W feeds on my confidence. She needs that. I KNOW it's not "right" for her to need that, but I also know it's the case so I work with what I have.
Mama, I really think that PM (sorry, this is NOT new advice) or a C that specializes in this kind of thing is the key. You somehow have to gain an independent sexuality. You need to somehow begin to have that feeling, and then project it.
Like I said, my own experiment (not one I really want to be having mind you) shows me that PM seems to be right on when it comes to the importance of each partner not needing the reflected sense of self in order to sustain a sexual relationship, ESPECIALLY in a complex, emotional environment like the one we all are in.
Quote: On the other hand I feel that H is uncomfortable too. Maybe he feels the same as I, I really don't know. Should I talk to him about it? You guys tell me. Everything else about our relationship and interaction is great, better than great but when it comes to physical intimacy it is like we both are uncomfortable and afraid.
100% yes. I thought you had been talking to him about it. I would say the sooner the better but make sure you know what you want to say, and have the words to say it. Don't beat around the bush. Just tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels and see where there is common ground. Maybe you can work through things together.
Mama, I don't mean to sound crude or insensitive but if he's afraid, and so are you, then sometimes the only way to get past that is to take a leap. If he TELLS you he's just afraid and uncomfortable, maybe just suggest something VERY different, or radical, like "Honey, I know we are both afraid but I am done being afraid. Tonight, when we go to bed, or even before then, I am going to -----." My point is maybe you just say that you are willing to take the leap, tell him what you want to do and try to be very willful about it.
It's so hard to give advice in this stuff because more than the other areas of our sitches, this one is so personal and possibly unique.
I know you feel this too, but I can't help but think there are flood gates just waiting to be opened here and once they are...
