I just pulled the information below from your last thread (while continuing to beat the dead horse!!!). The reason I wanted to have you look, and think about this again is that a lot of unwanted or mistaken male attention can sometimes cause us to put up distancing blocks (against other men. I know!!! I'm a pro at this one!). I do think we get so used to keeping men at a distance that it's something we unthinkingly and automatically do with husbands (without realizing it!!!). I think breaking through this is much harder than one realizes. You should think about the blocks you put up because you DO work at a bar and probably see some seedy things. I've heard of women working at bars being pretty negative about men, sex and relationships because they often see things in their worst light.
Just a thought!.....
I work in a bar, I get quite a bit of male attention. Actually a little more than I am comfortable with, unfortunately the only one that I want attention from (my H) is not giving it to me.
Hummmmm.... Now you have me thinking.... I'm wondering if you're so used to deflecting attention from other males that you've developed some protective mechanisms (distancing mannerisms) and perhaps have unconsciously used these with H (out of habit)... (???)
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: I do think we get so used to keeping men at a distance that it's something we unthinkingly and automatically do with husbands (without realizing it!!!).
If this is the case, and I'm not saying it is or it isn't, this is very deep. How in the world would I change this? This seems like something I would need to seek professionally help for...
Maybe just start by seeing if you recognize any of this in yourself. Think about your own attitudes of sexuality in yourself, others, etc.... I'm not saying you are or aren't this way because I don't know you and am not observing or talking to you in person, but it's something to think about. Sometimes just being aware of something helps us discover (or maybe find the opposite) in ourselves.
One more thing that might be helpful is books on sexuality. I think a lot of us think we know things, but there's probably a lot more we can learn (I know I need to get some books myself!). Maybe something to put on my xmas list!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Alot of what you are saying probably has some truth to it. These are feelings about myself and sexuality that have been ingrained into my brain since I was a child. A strict catholic upbringing by my parents taught me that sex was bad, only bad girls had sex, so on and so forth. Of course as a teenager and young adult I rebelled against this but unfortunately ended up with the wrong people which only made me feel worse about myself.
I got so comfortable in my M and R with my H that I lost sight of the fact the sex meant alot to my H and the lack of it made him feel undesired and unloved which ofcourse led to his A.
Well, maybe a whole new can of worms, but now's the time to open it and start working on it!!! Look at it as an opportunity to grow.
Just being aware and then starting to look at something squrely and work on it is halfway there. My guess is this is something many of us stumble with. Oh well... work ahead!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: A strict catholic upbringing by my parents taught me that sex was bad, only bad girls had sex, so on and so forth.
Um, this is true. I LOVE it when my W is a "bad" girl. Then I get to punish her, lol.
Sorry. Didn't really mean to make fun of your upbringing but I do think it's time for that inner "bad-mama" to come out again. You're with the "right man" right now so let he experience all that rebellion!
Okay, not to beat a dead horse (ha) b/c I can beat them with the best of 'em...
But (TL aside, b/c he seems to be an exception, lucky b@stard), let us remember how LONG it took GH to get where he is after the A ended...almost a year?
It's been a year today since I discovered my H's A.
Sex with my H is something I am STARVING for on a regular basis (it was last seen in my house in July), but that's not where we are. I beat him over the head about it pre- and post-A, among other things. And thought that was IT, the Dealbreaker of all, b/c by-damn, I want to HAVE it, and be desired by my H.
I completely GET where your head is Mama, I do.
BUT. When my bluff was called (okay, leave), I really LOVE my H (as craptastically as I've treated him) and that stomping-my-foot-for- attitude completely dissipated, and I realized that I want to be M to my H. Yes, I want the ML like crazy, but some of us have longer bridges to cross to get to that benefit than others. I know we do. And you do, too. Your inner pissed-off-ness is likely coming thru an attitude of disapproval, just like mine was to my H, which is off-putting respect-wise.
And this I know well: if he doesn't feel respected, he sure as hell will not be throwing you against walls any time soon.
Take that for what you will, I'm only speaking from my own experience obviously. I should probably cut/paste to my thread b/c I've not been able to rally to post there since Thursday.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: Someone else had the analogy that tempting your WAS back is like trying to get a wild animal to eat out of your hand. You have to keep very still and not grab for them as they are timid.
Just found this posted by Jem_Jam in another thread, and thought it relevant to you (and me, but I'm a day late/dollar short). But it won't work until you really OWN that. That it takes a loooooooooooooong time, and no matter what the time frame is, it will feel too long for us. It did for me, and now I look back on an entire year of time, and wonder how it went so FAST.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
We are kinda all in the same boat on the physical R. I've been known to stomp my food and want it right now too! Sooo frustrating! I was lying in bed this morning as J was up and getting a shower wishing he'd get the urge to crawl back in bed and play a little. I was thinking.. how can he not just want it and go for it sometimes? Definately not his top priority, but it comes before sleeping and eating for me.
Good analogy. The more approachable and loving I am, the more affectionate J is likely to be, but then I mess up and get impatient and chase him away with my attitude. Uggh.
attitude completely dissipated, and I realized that I want to be M to my H. Yes, I want the ML like crazy, but some of us have longer bridges to cross to get to that benefit than others. I know we do. And you do, too. Your inner pissed-off-ness is likely coming thru an attitude of disapproval, just like mine was to my H, which is off-putting respect-wise.