What to expect...part three

[toughlover]

I do want him, very much so but I am afraid that he will see it as me trying to be someone that I am not and it's only because I haven't been like this for years.

Yes but what would GH say

I had the same fear with my W but in my case it was more like, "I'm afraid she will see me as the same insensitive just-be-my-sexbuddy jerk she saw me as for so many year."

What I picked up on was that if you're genuine and honest and do it out of real love for the person you're married to then it really doesn't matter what happens. Seriously. You simply MUST do it at some point because it's just who you are, and marriage is about being who you are with your spouse. And if what you want and who you are is a good thing, then I would say you're almost obligated to do it, at least for yourself.

If it's honest, then who cares if he doesn't get it at first? It may take time.

We avoid everything good because we don't want to be hurt or rejected. A natural response, I've been there, at times still am. And there's a time when we need to heed that response, but there comes a window of opportunity which opens up at some point where we have to start being willing to risk again because without it, the natural caution that helps us protect ourselves when it's reasonable to do so becomes a hindrance that stunts our growth, both as individuals and as married people. Very rarely are both spouses at the same place at the same time. One jumps ahead a little bit and calls the other to follow. You don't do your spouse a service if you suppress something good because of their fear...all you do is make your marriage about fear rather than overcoming stuff together. Sometimes we need our spouses to jump start things cause we can't see it.

So we have to get strong and love out of our strength. The strength is whatever we have that allows us to understand and accept the risk and the pain that may accompany it, but which also recognizes that that pain and hurt will not destroy or obliterate our self-worth, that realizes even if it goes south the first time, maybe it's planting a seed anyway that will flourish one day.

So we have to take the risk and be genuine, open, and sincere. And go for it. Because if it's honest, it helps us anyway, and however they respond to it isn't as relevant as what it says about, and does for, us.