Have you ever expressed yourself sexually in a desperate or needy way? I'm trying to imagine what that would look like. I know this can be difficult because I do remember before the divorce wanting to be desired by my husband, but not having his interest and not knowing how to inspire it. I remember buying some sexy things, but feeling much too intimidated to wear them or feeling silly about the whole thing. That's probably what you mean by desperate. I can understand that.
I think this sums up my W's experience to a "T". She never felt comfortable BEING sexual/sexy even though she got plenty of attention and compliments from me and most other men she's met.
Unfortunately, the only way I got to this point was divorce. And sadly that's how I've noticed other women getting to this too. Sometimes it's these life changing experiences that allow us to grow in unexpected ways.
And for my W, it was her affair that was the life changing thing that made her realize not only was she "sexual" but she needed that from her marriage if she was going to stay married. From there, she was a LOT more expressive and dropped the whole "I can't wear THAT to bed", or "I can't DO that, or ask HIM to do that to me". It must feel extremely liberating for my W to finally be able to just "be" in a way that gets her what she wants...I'm just glad it's me giving it to her.
Sadly, it wasn't my husband that made me feel desired, but going out with girlfriends during my divorce, actually looking at other men (I'm oblivious to them during marriage!), and finally realizing that other men found me attractive and sexy that made me feel this way.
Again, as I have said, I would not take back this past year even if I could, it this is one of the reasons. In some twisted way, OM actually did me a favor by waking something up in my W that had little to do with him and everything to do with HER desire to be satisfied. Once that was awakened and we started to be able to communicate better...BAM, things were 1000% different.
Mama, she's right, you have to take what seems like a risk to be what you want. It's not foolish, silly or anything else be sexy/sexual. I think you suffer from the same lack of confidence that your H sees you as sexy/sexual but IMHO, that is really projection from you onto him. YOU don't see yourself that way and it's because you're waiting for him to tell you that you are. Stop waiting. You are what you make of yourself, or in this case, what you allow yourself to express.
I guess I am saying to you what OT said to me countless times. Pin him to the wall, kiss him harder than he's ever been kissed before then take him to the bedroom and f--k the crap out of him. If, anywhere along the way, he balks at that, just keep walking...um...do that to yourself and try again the next day.
The point is that you now understand what you want and it's time to go get it!
Reged: 05/12/06 Posts: 893 Loc: ...Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. Re: Things are still pretty good [Re: grasshopper] #1300598 - 12/06/06 10:18 AM Edit Reply Quote
Mama,,,,
I know you said you had a hard time understanding the Book Passionate marriage,, On page 75 I had Highlighted this for myself... SEX becomes beautiful when we bring our personal beauty into it. The issue isnt simply who your parner is, whether you are in love, or how good you can do it.IT'S WHO YOU ARE.
TO GET REALLY GRAPHIC HERE WHEN I MET MY H I WAS VERY SURE OF MYSELF AND FELT VERY SEXY,, I TOOK THAT WITH ME TO THE BEDROOM NOT B/C HE MADEME FEEL THIS WAY BUT B/C I already felt his way and he complimented it. Our sex life was Fantastic, I was not worried about how I looked or how I sounded or what I was doing it just came from within and I was amazing,,,,, then came the three kids three years in a row and boom that part of me disappeared..,.. I was In MOM MODE.....
I tried hard to get that me back in the last few years but it never seemed to come back ( that part of me was hidden very well, After all a good Catholic Girl isnt supposed to be a Highly ensual Being too,(( I used to feel like this, tooo much))))) like I told you yesterday , when I find the passage I will pass it along, But GOD actually wants you to enjoy your H and yourself it is a blessing to have such Beauty in your love Making),,
I was too worried , can the kids hear me, ,I am being selfsh cause I want to be in my bedroom for hours ML to him, the dishes arent done,, oh gees I forgot to pay that darn bill etc etc,,,,,
Shortly before the bomb I went out and got the BOOK PM and many lightbulbs went off.
By me not allowing myself to feel sexy or let myself be taken by my H or just relaxing and being a Woman and putting MOM MODE on the back burner for just a bit and just really letting my hair down ,, I WAS MAKING MY H FEEL UNDESIRED, UNWANTED AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL. ( he himself told me this) When we reconciled and one nite ( of many) that we were ML , I remember I truly just let go and was really just with him, I was not worried about the kids or anything and for a moment was not comparing myself to the OW and he said to me,, this is what I have been waiting for this is amazing.
I think when we truly love ourselves and are really putting ourselves into ML our H'S can really sense and feel who we are and it makes it so much better not just Hot and sexy but it takes it to a whole new level of ENJOYMENT/INTIMACY.
SORRY FOR RAMBLING BUT I USED TO BE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AT ( AND I AM CATHOLIC TOO ..) AND WHEN I LET GO AND JUST PUT MYSELF INTO IT , I can honestly tell you our Sex life now is the best it has ever been.This whole subject is a very complicated one and yet you are getting fabulous advice here this place is awesome. Best wishes to you sweetie,, God bless...
-------------------- YOUR LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE, TO A LARGE EXTENT ,WHAT YOU MAKE IT ... Your life is yours. You own it, and what you make of it is purely up to you.
