Sorry about being offline – we had a busy weekend, with little empty space. A few highlights thereof: W and I watched ‘Capote’ on Thursday, the whole family watched ‘Luther’ on Friday, W and I watched ‘1001 Nights” by Pasolini (a lousy movie, but with great settings) on Saturday. We picked up a sideboard for the kitchen, during which drive W asked what kind of mint and basil I would like in the garden this year. W brought in a flowering amaryllis for my desk on Friday. Last night she slept downstairs and this morning we separate breakfasts, hardly talked, beyond 20 words from her saying she was taking D to school and then going to her Swedish class.
So a curious mix of time spent together, some small things to make my life a bit nicer, and then an empty, silent coexistence.
Oh, and we twice had unexpected visitors for lunch on Saturday (whom I invited in, but during which my wife gave me critical glances) and then 2 hours later a second set, during which both times I was the chef and food provider. I would have thought this sociable, extroverted, behavior would get me brownie points, but it had no discernible effect. My W did most of the talking, as usual, though I occasionally chimed in.
* * *
So we have three votes in:
Astimegoeson = Walk away: “Just make your stance as a matter of fact and walk away. Let the lawyers figure it out if she's uncooperative…. it's about leadership and taking control of a situation. It's been out of your control the last 3 years.”
Whatisis = Keep on DBing: “you aren't seriously going to give this to her are you? A list of all her "poor" behaviours versus all your "good" behaviours… it seems you've only been DBing for a couple of months, isn't the ultimatum a little heavy here?”
12102006 = Confront her about the affair: “I don't think that I would present that letter to her. It looks like you are keeping score. What would be her response, if you brought up the A? What kind of reaction do you think she would resort to?”
Lots to mull over… I had an idea about scanning and posting her affair note to a private internet site which I would then ask her to have a look at, turning the spear around and asking her to give me a few good reasons to stay in a M where I have been abandoned and am possibly being cheated on… using the fear of exposure (the website) and loss (why should I stay?) as motivators… but that is unlike me…
I am not sure how she would react to me bringing up the affair. She could be defensive, aggressive, sorry, rational (‘why don’t you have an affair also?’), afraid, angry, contemptuous (“why didn’t you bring this up earlier?”) etc. If I did bring up the A, I would ask her how she thinks it makes me feel and what she would do in my shoes.
As for lawyers, they basically aren’t needed here in ‘enlightened’ Sweden, where there is no fault divorce, with a 50/50 split of goods (unless you have a prenuptial agreement), equal visitation and custody rights, etc. I would like to get her to retroactively relinquish any gains in my 401K starting from Feb. 2005 (after one year of abandonment), since things have not improved since then.
As for Dbing , I have been doing most of the cooking for three years now (part of GAL, filling the time made available by her no longer wanting to be with me), using the LRT extensively, am weightlifting and training for a marathon (ran 7 miles yesterday). I have not been able to turn my INTJ personality type into something more sociable, assertive and extroverted, have not made new friends (that would be a real 180, as I am mostly a loner; the one Swedish guy I would consider being friends with my wife does not respect). So I disagree; I have been Dbing, but the most difficult 180s, which involve personality change, have not happened (my W also said she wouldn’t want me to do this, but the way, that I am a lovely person as is – though not what she wants - ).
So anyway, I don’t’ really know what to do. I do know that our current situation is not satisfying. Perhaps take an executive type, assertiveness training course? Personality change and finding/making friends are the most difficult thing for me – is this what she wants?
Luke
So this is what it comes down to, Now I see it clearly, An even exchange of services, (oh, except for the sexual one, Which you choose to outsource) I cook, you clean, Will work for food, A modern, free transaction.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
