Thanks for your post. Funny how things come full circle to the idea of confrontation...
Here is a timeline I am considering giving her (as a printout or via email) of the last few years:
Her actions:
Summer or Fall 2002 says it might be good to find someone new for both of us Jan 2004 sometimes does, sometimes does not, sleep in same bed (with me) Feb 6 2004 last time sleeps in same bed June 2004 does not return handholding gesture Fall 2004 announces she wants a divorce Summer 2005 caresses cat and not me, in front of me (a low point of the year) Fall 2005 again says it would be better to split up Christmas 2005 7 weeks of Berlin Christmas market, probable affair January 2006 passionate embrace and kiss May 2006 note ‘accidentally’ announces affair Summer 2006 children’s book about new boyfriend being okay found Summer 2006 kissless partial embrace at airport July 2006 needs to spend time “alone” in youth hostel November 2006 misses Istanbul trip Dec 2006 proposes we both see new people plan January 2007 starts collecting garden supplies
Weekly – a critical, bad mood morning (“why didn’t you …”, or "why is this ...") Summer 2006 to present – out of room, secret, low voice phone calls
* * *
My actions:
July 2004 buy (expensive) macintosh for her Christmas 2005 carry 60 lb. DeWalt saw from USA as gift April 2006 japan trip, also for her May 2006 stop running as Japan trip produced no good result Summer 2006 throw out inappropriate children’s book October 2006 start weight lifting December 2006 start marathon training January 2007 propose marriage counseling class, which she refuses
Daily – turn the other cheek, try to maintain PMA, to remain kind and generous, give her space Summer 2006 – lose trust due to affair and weekend ostensibly spent ‘alone’
* * * Conclusion – 3 years of abandonment, 1 year of adultery, marriage promise broken.
* * *
Possible continuation - create separation of goods agreement (retroactive to 2005, following 1 year of abandonment), create divorce agreement, divide up things, sell house, and move, before school starts again this fall.
I would ask her if the timeline is true, say that this is grossly unfair to me, suggest that perhaps she should move out, and ask what she thinks of the continuation ideas. As a way of making things more concrete for her, I have found a divorce agreement from another poster here (don't recall the name) and would modify this to suit our circumstances, giving this to her with the above list. It would contain very specific details, such as that she gets the kids for the next vacation (since I had them for the last one) the idea being to rip off the pleasant veneer of our current relationship.
How does this sound? I'd like to be well prepared before any confrontation.
Snow last night - the ground is white and the roads are icy -
Life is a process -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
