Confront her - Part II - The Bomb drops

[Heywyre]

Hi Luke

Yes, the bombs were 4 years apart but I don't think we ever got over the first one.

Also (no excuse at all on his part) but depression has been a major concern with H. He is on quite a high dosage of AD right now and looks like he might need another supplement added to that - doc wants to keep him monitored for the time being.

I thought we were doing ok after the first bomb - sold the business that was causing him a lot of stress, moved to another city to be away from where OW lived (and a lot of his past history of bad relationships) but then we no sooner got to the new place and had a major car accident (not our fault - just sitting at a red light) which just compounded the problems we were dealing with. To make matters worse, H had come off the AD because he thought things were a lot better and didn't want to take drugs. That was probably the worse thing he could have done because things just went right down hill from there.

He managed to keep away from OW for a couple of years but I was having problem where I was working and so was he. I had to go on medical leave (because of the accident) and the following month he got fired from where he was working (the first time in 40 years of his work history) - he sued and won but this devastated him and sent him over the edge. This is when the second A started.

He continued on with the PA for several months but stopped (he says) because "it was wrong" and he felt so guilty. He said it was strictly a physical release (doesn't really matter to me what the "excuse" was - I still feel betrayed). He continued on with the EA well after we moved a second time and it wasn't until 5 months after we moved (in Dec 06) that I confronted him and the second bomb fell. I discovered that even after we moved, he was going back to see her every Monday (his day off) while all along he was telling me he was looking for other work because he's only working 2-3 days a week right now. I felt like someone had removed my inners from me. I don't know if I can survive this second bomb but I am trying - damn its hard!! Here I was going off to work, and he's on his way (a 3-hour drive one way) to see OW - WTF!!! And, to make matters worse, he asked me to call him to make sure I got to work ok and to call him again on my break. Each time he would tell me where he was (lie) and who he'd spoken to (more lies) and then when I got home I would call. Quite often he wouldn't answer but I wasn't concerned because he'd say "if I don't answer my phone it's because I'm going in to see someone" - ya right! He was going in to see someone alright - a friggin woman!! I could just scream right now!

The biggest issue I have right now is the trust. I can't even stand when he goes to work - I keep wondering all the time is he calling her?

He says that he knows how hard it is for me to trust him again and knows I may never be able to, and he accepts that that might happen. He takes responsibility for his actions but I still don't know if he really understands the hurt he has caused. He says he does but I've heard this all before and it isn't working for me right now.

The worse part I guess is that how long do I have to go through this before I know its over with for good (if there is such a thing)? It was 4 years in between before - should I wait 8, 12 years? Hell, I'll be in my grave before I can have a decent marriage!

Sorry for all the venting but some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days - H is at work (he works nights, which makes things worse I think) but we do have bills to pay. He calls me all the time but that doesn't really mean anything because he used to do that when he was screwing around too. He got to be a REALLY good liar - that's what hurts the most I think. I can't stand being lied to - AGGGGGGRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH