Yes, I think differences can be learned from and are a positive thing too - maybe the personality thing is only tangential to the real problem - "strength". Not sure how to pursue that one - maybe assertiveness training?
As for boundaries, are you suggesting that I say that I don't want to live a lie and therefore make the choice black and white for her? I certainly don't want to live a lie, but I don't want to push her away, yet, either. I did say during the bomb discussion that I would not take another lover while we are married, that that was counter to the wedding vows I took (which she made light of - "oh, that doesn't matter so much, it isn't serious").
How do the following stated boundaries sound?
o no phone calls from OM while I or the kids are around o minimize the lying - I have been much more tackturn and unhelpful today, while she tries to maintain a happy tone o the OM never comes into our house
What I don't like about this is that I have never acknowledged that an OM exists and so this talking about that seems an admission/acceptance of the situation. I could state this hypothetically "if you were to have another lover, then.. ", but still it feels like I am slipping a step back.
The core issue does seem to be strength (she had a boyfriend in high school, the football star, now dead, who once punched a car's windshield and broke it because they ogled her and him) - this limit setting, should I extend it to other things? Not something I am used to, with her.
Modulated gray evening sky, with some hidden, fading light above -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
