Didn't think I'd get tested so soon after posting. Should've known better
We went to a birthday party last night at a neighbor's house, nothing major. One of our rituals is that a couple nights a week, I pull out the lotion and give the W a good foot rub, mainly on days when she works since she's on her feet all day. This was probably the first nice thing I started doing for her back when we began this mess, so it's got a lot of significance.
Anyhow, after I finished we were talking about stuff and kidding around and I just about called her "baby" but caught myself, and went silent. Now that's a big deal because back in the summer she asked me to quit using those kinds of names with her because it made her "feel wierd" whatever that means.
The fact that I caught myself and "couldn't" use a word like that threw me into a serious dark hole. How can things be normal and as good as I think if I can't use those terms with my W?
Well, a few weeks ago I'd have brought that up and told her about it, and we would have ended up with a little trouble on our hands. Instead, I fought to keep it in (it was touch and go there for a while), and she was getting sleepy, so I managed to let it go. Watched tv for a little while and went to sleep myself after getting the kids tucked in.
But that's how this stuff seems to go. It wasn't so much that I could or couldn't use the term (I can now, do it all the time in fact, and I often realize I just said it after the fact, and don't let it bother me). The problem was that it's still ingrained in me to NOT do it, and stuff like that (residuals, i call them) ends up being a trigger into the dark spirals we're all familiar with.
Of course this morning everything was good. We saw the kids off to school (they both walk), had our usual morning routine (coffee, get back in bed and snuggle/talk, pray for the kids, friends, and family), then I showered and went on to work. All being as good as it gets right now.
In the past I would have sat here kicking myself for raising a ruckus over the past (for the umpteempth time) because (as I used to say) 'we shouldn't even be in this position where we have to get over this kind of crap blah blah blah'.
This morning I'm still a bit queasy over the past, but I had a good morning with my W, and started the day off right.
A small but important victory, cause if you can do it once, you can do it twice, three times, etc.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
