...I already have, and I cannot hardly believe it. I'm almost afraid to believe it...but I've learned that it's worse to NOT believe it. Or, as someone once said, Sometimes the riskiest action is to play it too safe.

I had finally started doing most everything right except every few days i'd get frustrated, dwell on it, and let it drag me down...and I'd either say something about it to W or it would just get obvious by my mood. So after we had such a great Thanksgiving, I got to where I just saw we had both put too much into this to keep allowing it to drag me back down...so I posted my frustrations here, was diligent about praying about it, did anything but talk about it with W at all. Not only did that seem to help keep things on the high road but she even got to where she'd bring things up and talk about them with me.

There have been a lot of subtle changes taking place the last couple weeks, baby steps you might say, if you blink you'd miss em...I guess I sensed them and knew it was positive but couldn't quite figure it out. In hindsight I think it's a little clearer.

We're really starting to connect again. We're finally becoming truly intimate with each other. No huge fireworks or anything, but something better than I've ever had and I suspect better than she has, too. It's mainly in the way she looks at me, in her eyes, in the way she talks to me and touches me now. There's something different and new. And she's seeing the changes in me, and also in our boys, and the fact that this is something we had clearly both decided wasn't likely to happen between us is amazing to me.

When I first posted here back in the summer, a bunch of folks who knew what they were talking about told me they saw "a lot of positives" in my sitch, but I just couldn't see it at first. Then I began to see it and believe it, and DO it, more or less.

But back then, I didn't think things would be this good by this time next year, much less now. Back then she was on the verge of divorce, was miserable for ending it with the OM, agreed to recommit but didn't really want to and didn't think it was going to work anyhow, sort of did it on blind faith on her part.

But she saw me doing the work and she did it too.

It's been rough and we're not where we want to be yet, but, dang, we're pretty happy with where we're at. She's getting more loving and affectionate with me every day now...I feel like I've stepped through the looking glass or something. I mean, we've NEVER been like this, had it even this good.

Went home for lunch today, some things happened , and I don't think I could've scripted this any better. Everything about how we've been with each other the last week or so has been exactly what I've wanted for years now.

And the thing is, everything just seems so simple and natural now, it's almost deceptive because we've been working damned hard these last few months it doesn't seem like it should be so easy now, but it is.

I don't mean to pretend things're perfect. I've still got things that pop up from time to time that bother me, but those times are getting to be fewer and fewer already and the impact isn't as great. We haven't had any squabbles since just before Thanksgiving and we somehow resolved that pretty quickly. Lately life has just been, well, really good!

I hope it lasts. I hope it does nothing but get better from here on out. I never thought I'd be posting this. I was a complete mess back in the summer. Everything felt hopeless then.

I guess things could still tank, but even if they do, I kind of feel like I'd be really disappointed, and hurt, but I'd maintain control of myself and my actions, and be able to keep on the road I'm on without worrying about it too much.

It's been a long time since I've been able to think that or be that.

I realize this is a journey not a destination, but we're finally journeying through some pretty country. I can't say "this divorce is busted"...won't say that, because at any time either of us could choose to blow it, but while we have some areas that need a little more growth than others, at this point is simply a matter of degree, of strengthening, and always growing....individually and together.

Anyhow, I wanted to post this because I should be around another week or two but then am taking as much vacation time as they'll let me use in order to be with the kids over their holiday break...so if I disappear for a while it's mosst likely not because anything bad happened, but because things are most likely so good (or busy) that I just don't have time to get online.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'