Well crap. I'm sick and so is he and so is the baby and we aren't going to dinner. Then, H leaves on a 2 night business trip. I will have to talk with him about this next week. That is, unless he comes back from his trip a changed man - ha ha.
Thank you Nop and I will still be addressing this. It won't go away anytime soon. I agree about the more children thing. Actually, I think I am done anyway but I know he wouldn't mind more. We agreed a while ago that we won't do anymore extreme measures to have another. However, last pregnancy he was all over me. This one, not at all. Maybe he's more afraid because of the medical intervention involved in having this one. Maybe he's sad that this is probably our last one. Maybe this is just the way he sees our R - Mom and Dad. When we can stop coughing, sneezing and shaking with fever we'll talk.
Getting better. H is back from his business trip tonight and he continues to email updates of how exhausted he is. I really am aware that this problem will not go away and will have to be addressed at some point in time. I think later this week or weekend will probably work. I have a work function on Sunday but other than that we will be around the house.
Karen, Don't you just hate those pre-emptive strikes? MrsGGB does it a lot, and most of the time she's not even aware she's doing it. If I call her on it, I get a that's not what I meant...but it is also a very reliable indicator that she's not up for anything later. Arrgh, I feel for you!
I posted elsewhere that I see H's sexual interest ramping up over the past couple of days. Here is an email between Lil and I from this am before the boards were back up. Since it is an email read from bottom of this post to top. _______________________________________________________________
Good suggestion on the book. Gawd knows that our R talks rarely produce any kind of change.
My email wasn't clear - the nuzzling thing was not during the work event but it was in front of his good friend, my 15yo and my 15yo's friend. H never gives more than the peck or the light fanny slap in front of "people" even family members. I honestly think it was kind of a spillover from the success of the work event and how he was seeing me.
Well, there is this idea that sexual attraction is based on the idea of your partner as "Other" --that if there is no mystery, too much togetherness, there will be no attraction. (A book on this bubject is called "Marriage Between Equals," which talks about how this kind of marriage is usually not very sexy.) This is supported by the idea of separate bedrooms encouraging more sex, where the H is a visitor to the W's domain. Also that fundamentalist religious groups where there is a big divide between the men and the women can be a setting for hot s-x, e.g. Kosher Adultery, Kosher Sex, even the Dr. Laura stuff that comes out of a conservative mindset.
I know that when my bf is up on stage singing and I see how others look at him, it makes me see him as more attractive. The idea that others are lusting and admiring him (you) but I (your H) get to go home with him (you)-- is exciting. The fact that he did the nuzzling thing in front of other people supports this-- showing the others that you are his and that makes him a cool guy.
I picked up a fab book over the weekend that I think you would find very worthwhile. It's called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," by Steven Stosny & Patricia Love. Very meaty. They talk about how the Heavy Relationship Talk hardly ever improves things, and may make them worse. That the primary emotion that holds men back is shame and the primary emotion that holds women back is fear/anxiety. And this is very interesting: when you are feeling anxious, it's a signal that your H is feeling shame. When he is feeling shame, it often means you are feeling fear/anxiety. It's like a dance. So instead of reacting to your anxiety by cornering him and talking to him, do something to make yourself feel a LITTLE better to kind of break the gridlock, then you can approach him calmly and his shame will diminish and communication can happen. This is a GROSS oversimplification... They give the example of a H who was sitting on the sofa being sullen and withdrawn. When the W confronted him, he just denied it, withdrew more, and even got angry. (Sound familiar?) She recognized that somehow her anxiety was driving him farther away. She looked around for something that would make her feel better about THEM. She pulled out the book of wedding pictures and started looking at them. She felt a lot better remembering the happy event. She went over to him on the sofa and started showing them to him. He lightened up, too, and eventually apologized for withdrawing (which he had earlier denied even doing). As I said, this is very oversimplified. But I know that I've talked til I'm blue in the face and I'm wanting to try something different... even to acquire some different tools so they'll be available to me in the future if this R doesn't ultimately last.
_____________________________________________________________ > >Lil, > >Yes - I do feel withdrawal. I actually had something nice I wanted to >share. H came in from the cold and actually buried his cold face in my >bosom and neck (I had on a tank top) as a "joke". Now, I have been >feeling his sexual interest coming along in the past few days >but...this was novel because it was in front of people. Then when we >went to bed last night he actually says, "Hey honey, my hip doesn't >hurt anymore whaddya say we go to bed early tomorrow night and..." > >I don't have anything to tie this to except the following..(a)his hip >pain is better, (b)we didn't go anywhere and wear ourselves out on >Saturday and (c)on Sunday I had a work event which allowed H to see me >in his favorite place - on "stage." My agency did a charity concert as >a fundraiser and I did my "thank you" thing up at the mike. H has >always gotten a little turned on when seeing me in the professional >arena especially when I am the one in the spotlight. Conversely, he >gets wildly turned off with any other work discussion of day to day >stuff or anything leading up to these spotlight moments. You can see >how this kind of thing would be few and far between for use as an >"aphrodisiac." > >Any thoughts? > >Karen _________________________________________________________________ > >Anyone else having withdrawal symptoms? > >I guess a LOT of work is going to get done today in the offices of >America, huh? > >:-) > >Lil
Just noticed... new posts are indicated by the little file folder icon in the far left column-- if it's yellow, there are new posts. Then you can click on the subject and you will be taken to the latest post just as in the other board.
