Yes - the rage is there but it is quiet rage at this point. I'm too tired tko make it anything more than that. H is loudly raging because of his hip pain and the business and seems to be mad in my general direction any time I express a need for support. He is beyond pissed that I'm concerned about being nearly 2 hours from my hospital during the 37th week of pregnancy. He doesn't want to hear it. I know he sees it as us making family time, him trying to meet the needs of the kid's school schedule and me just not getting it but he hasn't even tried to be sensitive to my feelings on the subject. As far as handling the rageful feelings - I just need to sleep. I need to start getting some rest and a lot of this will probably dissipate.
I won't have a secret affair. Believe me I understand the destruction that affairs create. What I am really talking about is trying, on some level, to understand where my H really is on this issue and accomodating it. I mean, the man doesn't want to fcuk me. I don't know whether he wants to do someone else but I don't know that he doesn't either. I'm just working with the data I have. I know I sound like I'm considering it but I'm really only considering whether I need to just give up my ridiculous quest to have regular sex within my marriage and whether there is some other route that would work. I realize that the practicality of the open marriage is that someone would get jealous, someone would feel that they got the short end of the stick, someone would probably fall in love and need to leave the marriage. However, the way we're going sure isn't leaving this marriage anywhere but a very vulnerable place.
