You are really starting to get me worried lady. First the comments about friend's H's running off with no explanation and you and your H maybe heading that way. Now this talk about having an A! You are right this is a dangerous road.
Listen, I empathize completely (and it sounds like HD does too). The lack of sex and affection in my M has had me at a boiling point for awhile now. No matter that my own actions contributed greatly to the state I am in, what I am experiencing is on a biological level. When you are not touched, when you are not held, when you are not comforted, when your jokes fall on deaf ears, when the slightest playfulness is met with harch criticism, when nothing you do is right, when conversations are one-sided, when your decisions are always questioned, it is hard not to let it overwhelm you. It doesn't matter that I feel responsible, my ego is taking a beating and it is provoking a strong fight or flight response.
"We have a bedroom we can go in and shut the door to talk, he has an office we can shut the door and talk in, we can send the kids to bed at a reasonable d@mn hour and sit in our own living room to talk. He chooses not to engage in the same way he chooses not to have sex. It isn't a priority, it doesn't matter, it is something to do if you have time, if it is convenient and if the planets align to make it so. If it takes all that - why bother?"
I can feel the bottled rage in every word you write. I could have written those words myself ... right before I had my A.
"I know I sound like I'm heading down a dangerous road but I feel as if perhaps I need to get my romantic notions out of my head and join reality."
The reality of an A, no matter how "well intentioned" is that it will cause pain somewhere sometime. I think someone with as much physical desire as you do would have an impossible time not falling for someone with whom you had great sex. Of course, great sex involves all that emotional stuff to begin with.
"I do want sex. H probably does too but not really from me."
What makes you think this?
"The thing is that I don't really have time to manage a lover. He would have to be really low maintenance."
Sorry, I got some really weird male-female role reversal images when I read that. "OK, enough pillow talk, are we going to do this or not?"
"I am not all that hard on the eyes that I should have this difficult of a time getting laid."
Blackfoot, while he has helped me immensely to see the path that I need to be on, has also "hurt" me in that he taught me several of the signs of attraction from women. The bad thing is I now see it all the time. My C actually warned me about this situation, that my self-esteem would improve long before my M does. Others would note the improved image and increase their validation of me, creating a stark contrast with the lack of validation at home. I almost asked you a few days ago if you had seen any "bathtubs full of rainbows" hoping to cheer you up with good memories, but I figured it would provoke the same response in you as it would in me ... "why is it that a complete stranger would screw me if I gave them the right look, but my S who has permission to screw me all they want won't even verbally express their desire?"
As far as you having an A, I can only say that no matter how well-tailored it is, you will have regrets about it in some way or another.
JM2C
Chrome
p.s. You need to find a way to release your pent-up rage. Can you think of anything that would help?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
