H is out of town for an overnight business trip and has been busily scheduling "couple time" because every time he senses that I am getting ticked about no sex this is what he does. We are going out to dinner this weekend, we have a two night massage class in March, we have a weekend away in February. I guess maybe he might do it for another reason as well (maybe he likes to hang out with me) but it just gets a little fishy that every time I am about to bust with anger/frustration he starts putting dates on a calendar. BTW - those "dates" do not equate with sex in any way, shape or form.
BTW - when I brought up (again) that I needed to have a "personal" conversation with him he offered the dinner out. I said - you know we could just talk here at home and he said (a) he can't concentrate at home, (b)he would rather go out and (c)if we try to do that at home we never will get around to it. Well - he CHOOSES all that. We have a bedroom we can go in and shut the door to talk, he has an office we can shut the door and talk in, we can send the kids to bed at a reasonable d@mn hour and sit in our own living room to talk. He chooses not to engage in the same way he chooses not to have sex. It isn't a priority, it doesn't matter, it is something to do if you have time, if it is convenient and if the planets align to make it so. If it takes all that - why bother?
My energy is flagging, my workload is staggering, I am worn out and worn down. Maybe I should just have this baby then find a lover. Maybe he should too. Maybe he already has. I mean, we are great parents and partners. Maybe we should agree to disagree on this point forever more and pursue whatever makes us each happy. I know I sound like I'm heading down a dangerous road but I feel as if perhaps I need to get my romantic notions out of my head and join reality. I don't want to leave my H. I do want sex. H probably does too but not really from me. The thing is that I don't really have time to manage a lover. He would have to be really low maintenance.
I just started mulling this over when I went into a Panera Bread to get my lunch order picked up and a couple of the men in there looked, smiled, saw I was pregnant and their expression changed from "Hey, baby to Huh, pregnant? I'd do her anyway." IOW - I am not all that hard on the eyes that I should have this difficult of a time getting laid.
