You are right there about "New Year. New excuses." H has them in seemingly limitless supply.
The rack reference was to my own LD. I enjoy having the nice rack for a change so it is hard to be calmly LD while seeing how long it will take for H to step up. H isn't seeming to care although he certainly enjoyed it last pregnancy.
Lil,
Backing down? That is my personal specialty. I am far more guilty of subverting my own needs, failing to state them at all, being secretly angry than I ever am of having a test of wills in which I won't back down. What is going on now cannot even be classified as a test of wills. H is just going along his way, submerged in his own stuff, hasn't even considered that we haven't had sex, is vaguely aware that there is something stand-offish in my manner - even as we laugh, wrap presents together, discuss family things etc... I am just living life and ticking off the weeks that we continue to not have sex. The only place my will is involved is in not willfully creating sexual conditions in an unwilling partner. I've been down that road too much with H to pursue it again. I've acted as his sexual "helper" to my own detriment. I thought, "Oh, if only I flirted with H, rubbed his feet (or back),put on the nice perfume, lingerie, candles etc... it would "help" him feel more sexual. Guess what - sometimes yes but mostly no. H feels sexual when H feels sexual. I have NO idea what motivates it. I just hurt myself when I try to create a desire that isn't there.
I am working on some of what the enneagram mentions - I am concentrating a great deal on leadership and achievment in my work. It helps me keep my mind off of issues with H. I don't disagree that I am in the red zone and I know that it is partly my continued silence that keeps me there. However, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and I would be an idiot beyond compare if I allowed myself to approach H about any of this crap right now. I would accomplish nothing and I would take away from the sense of family, the togetherness, the peace, the joy that is the holiday season. I have merely compartmentalized H. Right now, he's the nice, comfortable partner, the guy I am preparing a lovely family event with and nothing more. I don't have a lover and I don't even have an intimate friend in H. I am "single" in that regard. I will gather my strength to address things after the holdays.
