I have to wonder if you might have a dynamic going on in your home that was sort of going on in mine too, but of course I wasn't able to recognize it at the time (only in hind-sight). I've kind of discussed this with Lil too...I think it may be at play in her R as well.
You are aware of my H's issues online right? You're also aware of how close he came to losing what he had....well that whole event was the catalyst to some BIG changes in our home. I for one stopped hiding a side of myself that I thought threatened my H. I stopped hiding my feelings. I stopped keeping things in that I felt needed to be said (all things in myself that I could take control of and effect right?) Well, I also came to the acceptance that my H has issues that had NOTHING to do with me, they were important issues, but they were HIS issues....and well right then, he simply was who he was and I could either learn to live WITH that, or fight against it trying to get my "ideal" husband. Fact is he'd NEVER be my ideal, that was a fantasy that lived in my head. I HAD to learn to accept that the way my H was at that time was simply who he was and if I wanted the marriage to work I had to figure out how to live with it.
I know, I know....everyone's saying "but that means I'm settling, not getting what I want." Well....yeah, you aren't getting what it is you want, but desperately fighting for what you want (figuratively or literally) isn't getting it either right? Well here's what I figured out (after I started being really true to myself and accepting that he simply was who he was).....there was a tension released between us. It disappeared, not quickly....but it disappeared. In fact it only dawned on me one day that this is what had happened....when that tension was gone and I could clearly see the change in our R. It was as if an anvil was dropped on my head and I woke up in another marriage.
My acceptance of him, just as he was at that time I think was KEY. Some may say I gave up on what I wanted....well, I don't think I did. Was it SEX I really wanted or a happy/loving marriage? What I really wanted was a happy/loving marriage, but I kept focusing too much on the sex part (even though I didn't think I was). As many of us have said on here before to others who focus on sex "I was putting the cart before the horse, completely unintentionally." I, for the longest time really thought I was focusing on me, and to some extent I was....but sex (or the lack thereof) was still an occuring theme in our R.
Once I took control of that (yes, that's when the GEL pornstar arose from the dead) and sucked it up enough to initiate when I REALLY wanted it I got the sex. There were still wierd feelings though.....but those completely faded into oblivion upon total and complete acceptance of who my H IS, the man that he is now....not the fantasy I wanted him to become.
I realized after oh....I'd have to say about six months of not holding in how I felt about things, speaking honestly & candidly about things I needed talk about (instead of not bringing them up because he'd get uncomfy), and also trying to do some of the things I know he likes (like cuddling as much as possible etc, you know his Love Language stuff)....that HE was coming to me. HE was talking to me about the stuff I'd always wanted him to open up about. HE was talking about sex, or wanting it...even initiating it.
It was as if that tension (that I hadn't even previously realized was there) was gone....and NOW he finally felt secure enough to do the things I had been wanting all along....and um, I hate to admit it but....I didn't even notice it at first.
But ya know what? I went through the same stuff you are going through right now, the black funks, the moodiness, the resentment etc. I've begun to wonder if some of that stuff isn't a right-of-passage in a marriage. It's our way of negotiating (even though it doesn't usually feel like a "negotiation") our way to a better place in our marriage if we can ride it out.
